R.I.P Carl The Cat Bolt

You were one great cat.

CHEEEEESE

I swear smoked gouda is almost better when I am sick.

I lied

Blah.

Dear God

I get it. Patrick Swayze died. Boo hoo. There I cried and I am sad. Now can you PLEASE make the incessant She's Like the Wind plays on the radio stop?!? Like NOW? I swear to you that if I go one solid week without hearing this fucking song I will remain chaste for an entire year.......retroactively of course.

Your Friend,

Christie.

Home reno

As I try to dig myself out of this existentialist fog I seem to have been floating in this past year I am becoming more and more aware of everything that has crumbled around me. Not sure what is worse, to be honest. The clogged drain in the bathroom that I have neglected...until last night when I decided that hell or high water would not prevent me from fixing the problem. Long story short, I broke the plug and now there is no more pretty drain..just a deep black hole filled with unimaginable horrors. I look at my pile of jeans that are far more snug then I ever remembered them to be and this is just as much of a mystery to me as why it has come to pass that icecream actually tastes BETTER than it ever has before. I let my kids eat their breakfast in front of the tele...at one point this was an unforgivable offense. Now I am just too tired to argue. Where the hell am I going with this?

Oh yeah. I think I snapped out of it last night. I think. I woke up with my usual inflated sense of self worth. I told my daughter I was right because, well, I am always right (actually, I think I may have been wrong). Anyhoo...good times.

Later, Bitches!

Date

Him:

Attractive
Fit
Tall
Successful
Funny
Smart
Full chest and arms covered in tattoos that were hidden by his shirt (I hoped)
Well read
Great smile


Me:

Wondering why I bothered to flat iron my hair and get a babysitter.

Dear Hideous Troll at Stanley Park Zehrs

I just wanted to thank you for being a class act. I knew the moment I saw you walking up to me wearing your charming t-shirt (see below) that I was in for a real treat. You didn't disappoint. Yes, thank you, I know I have a nice behind and it is a real shame indeed that you didn't see it before I got into the habit of eating 15 dozen Drumstick icecreams a week. You think I am "real hot"? YES! Me too! Holy socks, you should see me when I have actually showered, laundered my clothes and put on makeup. The best part of the whole thing was the fact that you actually thought that ANY of this was an appropriate discussion to have IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN.

ps-if I see you again and you have the fucking nerve to tell my kids that you will get them whatever they want I am going to pull your ponytail and kick you in the cock.





Hey there!