Tube condom?!?!

No WONDER teenagers are getting pregnant!

Condoms aren't supposed to be stylish and cute in a FUN package.  They are supposed to be gross and oily and smell weird, reinforcing the idea that what the youngsters are  doing is WRONG.  They also shouldn't come in a fun package just begging to be used as a craft or as equipment in a fun game of kick ball.

Jesus Christ.

Old lady rant aside....Game of Thrones  GAHHHH!  Why on earth did I wait so long to start this?   While I admit I have lost my chick boner for beards there is soooo much more awesome to this show.

Sugar Free

New Years Resolutions.  What a load of horse shit.  I try to never make them because it takes about 40 seconds for me to break them and then I wallow in self loathing for like, a week.

That said, if I ever actually want to play actual derby with actual derby folks I need to make some serious changes....like not having my diet composed of 80% sugar and coffee.  Also, I just bought a ton of super cute little dresses because I don't want to look like a soccer Mom and I think that kicking at least 10 pounds will make me feel a bit better.

So today was the day.  No more sugar.  No more caffeine (sniff) and just easy whole foods.

 Didn't start off so well.

For starters, I was up until the sun came up AND my kids were due home at 11am so before I even opened my eyes I was already guzzling back my second cup of coffee.  I decided to make a lovely breakfast of red quinoa and prunes.  It was, as one can imagine, terrible.  Once a year or so I feel that I am somehow special and precluded from the, er, regular nature of this fruit.  Today was no different.  Desperate for sweet, having eaten the most revolting breakfast ever I sat down and ate.the.entire.bag.  About an hour later I lost about 20 pounds and vowed never to eat them again.   Anyhoo...I later bailed on derby practise cause I was working on only two cups of coffee, 3 hours sleep and rocket bowels.   Just as everything was coming up C the phone rang and I was informed of my uncle's sudden passing this morning.  Normal people take bad news well.  Emotional eaters who look for any excuse to eat a 4 pound bag of chocolate covered almonds...well...eat a 4 pound bag of chocolate covered almonds.  Surprisingly I persevered and instead made this-

Don't get me wrong, I love everything about this soup.  Kale, sweet potatoes and chick peas.  What's not to like?  Under normal circumstances I would have been rather chipper.  Today it just pissed me off and I grumpily ate it, lamenting the fact that it tasted absolutely NOTHING like If I Had a Million Flavours ice cream.   Then I was all "bitch, you be crazy....you're alive..... unlike your uncle.  SNAP OUT OF IT and stay alive!"

Determined to make tomorrow run a little smoother and inspired by another blog post I saw I put this gem together-

Because I'm totally lame I get really excited about cute things.  I'm just stupidly pleased with how clever I am,  all organized and shit.  I just have to pop it in my blender and breakfast it served!   GENIUS!   With the exception of the ground flax as I am out of chia, this is my go to smoothie but because I layered it in a jar and took a picture I'm practically creaming my jeans over this flipping thing.   I will periodically peek into the fridge and give myself a self satisfying nod.   Now, 95% of the time almond milk makes me want to beat kittens for fun.  It's pretty much the worst thing in the entire world.  True story.  But, it's completely ok in this.  In fact, all of a sudden I want to go super hippy and MAKE my own almond milk.  What's the worst that can happen?


All in all I would say that today turned out ok.  Could have used less death and coffee, more sugar and sleep.  But it was a good start. Tomorrow my goal is only three cups of coffee, start level two of the 30 Day Shred and of course, keep on being amazing.

But seriously folks, I could really use some Nutella right about now.

I see deeeeeead people!

Really.  I do.

Backstory-

Once upon a time I was in a fairly long term relationship with the sweetest fellow ever (actually, he might have been a dink, I can't remember).  Anyway,  I was much younger, only about 26 or so and had many many young children.   He was even younger but much like the entire world he saw me for the fabulous catch I am and away we went.  I have no delusions, (just kidding I have tons) while I am most certainly a fabulous catch I am preeeetty sure I would terrify any parent of a young professional.

This was not the case.

This fellow's folks LOVED my kids and I.  They would take the kids out for ice cream and have birthday parties for them.   As an extension, his GRANDPARENTS loved us.   Now, keep in mind that I never had a relationship with a grandparent.  The only living grandparent I had past the age of 5 saw us maybe 5 times.  In fact, the only time I really recall seeing my grandmother in my adult life was when I was pregnant with my first child and again at her funeral and I am not sure seeing a corpse qualifies as a visit.   So, you can imagine that seeing a relationship between this guy and his grandparents just fascinated me.  The adoration and respect he showed these two people still warms my heart.  I had never seen such a thing and I likely never will again.  Grandma was awesome.  A robust woman who, while almost totally blind, knit my kids hats and mitts, bossed around his grandpa and showered us all with so much comfort and love that I have been spoiled for life.

Alas, Grandma passed away.  I think I was sadder than when my own blood Grandma died.

Fast forward to present time.


I have never really owned kittens.  Much less TWO.  Cecil was a grumpy old man when I adopted him and Carl was not exactly a player.  John and Caeser are insane and have certainly opened my eyes to life with kittens.  Their favourite time to play always seems to be between the hours of 2am-4am.

Last night, like clockwork, I heard a familiar crash.  Most of the time I just just ignore it but it sounded suspiciously like a plant being knocked over.  Out I went to the living room.  As I past by the large mirror I saw two people.  Myself....and Grandma.

Now, I can't say for certain that it was Grandma, just that it felt like Grandma.  Also, I could have totally been dreaming since there was no evidence of a knocked over plant this morning.

Here is the strange thing, it didn't freak me out at the time.  Now?  Well, tonight is a me night so sitting alone watching Supernatural ain't exactly doing anything for the freakout factor.

God, Grandma.  Stick around all you like but PLEASE stay out of my bedroom.

Defining beauty

It never ceases to amaze me how a sparkly pink eyeshadow and completely replacing your panty and bra collection with super hot gitch totally makes you feel like the hottest goddamned thing in the world.   It also seems to negate all crap feelings about gaining 15 pounds and not being able to shave your pits till you pass minimums.

Look at the piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiink!  I want to fill a bathtub with this and roll around.  It's that amazing.

Sadly this was the best picture I could get of myself wearing this fabulous eyeshadow.  Take it from me...I look like a total babe......................................

I will not torture anyone with pictures of me in lingerie.  Beauty is, afterall, in the eye of the beholder.


YAY!!!

Out with the old and in with the new

I can not believe the amount of crap I am pulling out of every nook and cranny.   Between all of the outgrown kids and all the stuff an ex left behind I am sitting on a mountain of frustration.  I have decided to try sell half this shit.  Seriously.  Just to see.

Anyway, purging means more space for awesome.

Introducing Caeser and John Lennon, 5 month old brothers

Yay!!

Selfie loathing

"Nice selfie, Mom"

A friend of mine took a picture of me and I proceeded to post it to my facebook as a profile picture.  My daughter made the comment, rather amused as she thought I took it myself and posted it.  I kinda hate selfies.  I find them very self serving and showy although I have taken a few myself.

Photographs in general freak me out.  I am sure it's a control thing but I swear to god, every single picture of me taken by someone else always turns out exactly like this:

So naturally I shy away from the camera.

Anyhoo..I had just finished an adorable slouch hat and wanted to take a quick snap to send a friend to show.  Easy peasy.

But things tend to escalate.

There is a significant amount of power involved in selfies.  You control everything.  So, what started as a 5 second project ended up in a two hour marathon of selfie taking.  Started simply enough, me in the hat, the majority of the photograph showing the grand craftmanship of the slouch.   Then came the hair brush...the make up...the lip gloss.  The climax was in the form of liquid liner.

And here is the picture I managed to send

You will notice two things:
 
1.  A lot of make up
2.  Very little in the way of showcasing my amazing talent.

Funny thing happened.  I looked at my camera, scrutinizing every single picture, paying zero attention to my hat.  The more I looked at the no less than 100 pictures of my face the more I started to see an alarming resemblance to.............
..................................

MADAME!!!.


.GAHHHH!!!!

So I did what my instincts told me to do in the first place.  Put the fucking hat on Gary and snapped away.  He photographs way better and is a fraction of the narcissist I am.

Faces of death

One thing is for certain, I do not do sick all that well.   In fact, I am just about the worst sick person ever.

Historically, illness has produced some pretty unfortunate events.  A 24 hour Jersey Shore marathon followed by a catastrophic online dating adventure.  A home pedicure with terrible results.  A fucking dog who AS I TYPE is eating candles.

But I try to be better.

So, this new, seemingly endless and probable fatal illness is providing far more fruitful.  Now, I'm not talking the fever/nicotine patch induced sex dreams starring various ex boy friends and Ron Swanson.  I'm not even referring to my newest addiction, choosing my perfect engagement ring....I'm talking crocheting.

My newest salvation.

I am going to make a million more of these

But this, this glorious creation.  The fourth most amazing thing I have ever produced.  Well, he's my legacy.  When they find my cold dead body, surrounded by kleenex and snot and regret, well, they will know that I died complete.

Completely insane, my brain ravaged by fever.  My body beaten by last years chocolate and roller skating injuries.  

God help me.