Online dating? Yes please!

Ignoring my low impulse control, rash decision making skills and inability to think things through, I think most will agree that a good looking man with a great sense of humor is my greatest weakness. Unemployed and live with your parents and 12 DUI convictions? All can be forgiven if they laugh at my dead baby jokes. (kidding, dead baby jokes are SO 2005)

Which brings me to online dating.

Oh my word, have I been back and forth on this one. Being 35 and now officially at my sexual peak, as well as my fabulosity peak I have a pretty hard time resisting it. I have finally smartened up (if I were to ignore the fact that this is really not the best time for dating) and hidden my profile which now puts the onus totally on me.

You see, if you aren't a hump back with dreadful acne and a g tube AND you have a vagina you tend to be rather overwhelmed with emails from the most pathetically self deprecating to the tragically unaware. I specifically state NO COWBOY HATS yet received endless emails from boys wearing them....without a hint of irony.

I would like to share an email I once received from a gentleman whose physical hideousness not only gave me nightmares but might lead to future female sexual dysfunction.

This is an actual cut and paste

"y u womn not want me. make me sad cause i like and like for long times people say my spegeti sause is beater then the store's"

I reviewed this at length and did something I haven't done in years. I met him at a parking lot and he liked and liked me for hours. I keed, I keed....what I DID do was re write his email and returned it to him for review. Again, an actual cut in paste.

"Hi there. Just read (well, attempted to read) your email as well as your entire profile. Please forgive me as I am uncertain if perhaps English is your second language. If this is the case there are several places around town where you can receive instruction. I see from your profile that you are unemployed due to "govenmeant suxs y I dont vote". I assure you, these places can help you out in that area as well.

Now, I *think* this is what you wanted to email me.

"Why don't women want me? It makes me sad because I can lick and lick for a long time. People say that my spaghetti sauce is better than the stores!"........Is this correct? ok. So here is the thing. Woman don't want you because there is nothing more revolting than getting an email like this. I am not certain of your relationship history but I feel pretty confident when I say that women these days don't dig it. Also, put on a shirt for chrissakes. If you would like some help with your profile let me know and I'll be happy to help."

And finally, his response.

"chock on a log on my nasty shit bich"

Well, that was almost a sentence!

These are a few of my favourite things

I have been saving a few of my favourite texts I have received over the past few months. I will omit names to protect the guilty.

"I'm eating ribs in my underwear"

"Stop thinking with your pussy. You're worse than a man"

"I don't know about you but I think we need to bring back freak shows. There seem to be an awful lot of albinos in Newmarket"

"You have won the life lottery!"


"Dating sites should be for people who want to date. What is this, Fuck Me University?"

"Sorry Mom, but you have to tell me why you are forcing me to take worm medication or else I just won't do it"

"Cock piercings are always a deal breaker."

"Ummm we think u are one of our veeeery favorie ppl om this earth. And you will get through this shit patch. And when u do you will be stronger.... Also DO NOT LISTEN TO ANY ELLIOTT SMITH"

Bliss

Tonight was one of those rare treats where the kids have tomorrow off school. Off to grandmas for a sleepover they went, leaving me the house alone.

I love these nights. Just me, no plans. Sometimes it's lonely but on nights like these they are fucking amazing.

So, I move all of the furniture, plug in and dance in the dark like crazy. It's amazing and happy making.

Which brings us to the self sabotage part of the evening. In hindsight it's always the best part.

We see ourselves naked all the time from the front. I'm used to it. I'm at the point that I look at my naked body in the mirror and while I have a wealth of flaws (as determined by western culture), I can take it. I have seen worse, i have seen better. No biggie.

Obviously, since I was feeling pretty good, I decided that it was a good time to prop up my camera and take a full on naked shot of myself from behind. You know, the side you aren't that familiar with?

It was hideous. First of all I don't know why I insist on putting the camera on the floor looking up with the flash. Seriously, that angle would make Keira knightly look like a lardo.

This is not the first time I have done this and this time around it was equally soul crushing. It's that whole feeling of laughing, genuinely laughing at it while being equally horrified.

I know I'm finally maturing (a bit). Last time I pulled this shit I was on the horn with my BFF within 5 minutes, crying. This time I just said "fuck it", grabbed a pint of icecream and now I'm all curled up in bed with my new boyfriend, John Hamm for 4 episodes of Mad Men

Honest to Christ. This was, hands down, the BEST date I have been on in months.

UHm...what?

So last night I went out with some friends to a pub for a pint (maybe two). I was blissfully unaware that it was open mike night. Nuff said.

Let me first say that I was feeling pretty accomplished, having not been assaulted on my way to my car. Yay me! Perhaps this is why I felt so invincible when I had a hankering for some peanut butter cups and decided to stop at a pretty sketchy store.

As I approached the store I saw a "gentleman" and his dog. Perhaps I was feeling nostalgic over the recent loss of Abbie. Perhaps I still felt like Superman after surviving a walk in Victoria park without a mugging. In any event, I asked to pet the dog. Of course some chit chat ensued. How old was the dog? What breed? Name? I thanked the guy for letting me pet his dog and went inside.

I couldn't help but notice I was being given the stink eye by our very own Methadone poster child. I wasn't sure what to think of it so I very nicely smiled. As she leaves SHE INTENTIONALLY SHOULDER CHECKS ME! Speechless (and scared shitless) I pay and I then see why she was so outraged. Dude with the dog was clearly her main squeeze. I only gathered this because she was royally screaming at him.

Perhaps it was a lot of pent up anger, frustration at these past few months.....but I walked out of that store with my head held high with no intention of causing a problem, but fully preparing for a smack down. You see, years of living with two older sisters has prepared me well for the brutality of women and really, I likely suffered more concussions by my 18th than this broad has at the hands shitty boyfriends. Also, my mouth is my biggest downfall.

This was the exchange, to the very best of my recollection:

(I'll assume she had a stripper name like Amber or Carly or Crystal)

Crystal: you moving on my man?

Me: I don't know who your man is but I am pretty certain my answer is no.

Crystal: you think you're better than me?

Me: Right now I do.

Crystal: (this was all a blur. Mostly profanities)

Me: *blinkblink*

Crystal: Ok. Let's go!

Me: Where?

Crystal: fuck you, bitch.

Me: Ok, well I best be going.

Crystal: Yea THAT'S what I thought.

So I get in my car and discover an accusing text from my daughter, chastising me for being past my curfew by 5 minutes.

Life is so very odd sometimes.

In other news, this years Halloween party theme is slutty barnyard animals!

Awww. Abbie

Abbie moved back with her Dad. It was with a very heavy heart that I said goodbye.

It's a no brainer with kids when folks split. Both parties get them in one capacity or another and no matter how bad the split, you just have to eat a lot of shit, suck it up and make it work.

But you don't really have to with dogs. Sure, some people make it work but I just didn't have it in me in this round of assholeexhattery to put in that effort. God bless every.single.one of my friends who urged me at the time to make a clean break and eliminate every shred of relationship past for never uttering the dreaded words "I told you so" when it became unbearable having her here.

Alas, it's another transition. I worry about her. I worry that she won't be cared for, loved the way she was here. I worry that once she becomes a road block in the life of her owner that she too will be tossed aside.

Because isn't that what I did? She stopped being a part of the family that I loved and cared for and became a reminder of an extremely painful part of my life. I resented her.

It's hard for me to reconcile this in my mind because now that the dust has settled and my life is exactly where it was before she came into it.....well, fuck me, now I ask myself if I hate her Dad more than I loved her?

I have spent years dedicating myself to martyrdom and only now am I admitting this. Eating shit is fine when it's both parties trying....but when the line between being compassionate and being a total doormat is blurred, it becomes tricky. I couldn't keep her without feeling taken advantage of! Who has two thumbs and feels like a total shitbag? THIS GIRL. I just couldn't get past it.

What's done is done. Goodbye sweet Abbie. I wish I was a bigger person and that you could still be running around with your little pack. I miss seeing you wait at the window for the girls to arrive from school, I miss your dog hugs and your hilariously guilty face. I know that you likely have already forgotten about us all. I know that you will have a wonderful life.

I'll go out tonight and have a scotch in your name. I love you and I miss you.

Martin Kloon

I have been singing a stupid song all day. Martin Kloon, Martin Kloon to the tune of three blind mice...over and over again. I don't know WHERE this song came from or why google refuses to show any results but I am losing my mind.

Anyway....I have a teevee date with John Hamm, the handsomest man alive. *sigh* why can't all men these days wear fedoras?

Red wine, mouthgasims and language lessons.

Saturday September 15, 2012 is a day to remember. I don't even know where to begin or how to describe this meal. First let me say that I am SO disappointed in myself for not bringing a better camera to the restaurant. The memories are captured on a shitty iPhone camera.

But we feasted on oysters on the half shell, charcuterie, head cheese fritters, foie gras, duck confit ....don't get me started. All washed down with glorious red wine.

Then the cabbie taught us how to say I love you in Somalian. Sadly, I have already forgotten.

Ah mazing