It's a pretty good thing I didn't quit the derbs in one of my greatest moments of self defeat. If I HAD quit I never would have received the greatest emails of my LIFE (2 days later, I might add). An email that literally made me burst into tears. An email I can not stop looking at.
You guessed it! The email telling me that I was drafted to a home team.
I'm a TRAMP!!
The excitment and confusion was quickly replaced with utter fear.
Fear that I need headshots which means I have to face the camera.....and smile. ugh
Fear that the derby name I have chosen, while AWESOME is one that my children may repeat to their teachers and may NOT provide further explanation.
Fear that I have to play in front of people. This concern is only slightly eased with the knowledge that my first half dozen games or so will be out of town, out of Province, and thankfully, out of Canada.
Fear that I'm that much closer to breaking something.
When I'm not afraid I'm overwhelmed which leads the way to my most familiar of feelz-Inadequacy. Many of my teammates are 6ft tall or over. And they are fit as balls. One can deadlift 300lbs. They all know what they are doing on the track. I'm a shorty who, despite her greatest effort is NOT fit as balls and can only deadlift 150lbs. Also...how the fuck do you play roller derby?!?!
Having said all of these things I am also living with a feeling I am not all too familiar with. I'm actually PROUD of myself.
I never gave up.
I gave it my best.
And it paid off.
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