The worst

I fully realize that I am jumping the gun on my Christmas excitment.  It isn't really my fault as Christmas funzies/insanity has already begun.  So many fun things coming up and so many Christmas crafts to make.  Zomigodz...TWO potlucks this weekend alone!

Anyway, it's hard not to notice the stark difference between this year and last.  Last year was such a sad doom and gloom and this year I'm all giddy and happy and annoyingly positive.  Like, you go girl positive.  Pretty much the  best worst ever. I'm not complaining.   In fact, I am totally passed being perplexed about the way I behaved, the things I said, the T. Gary I adopted, and on and on and on.  I assure you I'll even find it hilarious but I might need another year.  It's all good and all behind me.......

......

...except there is one little thing.

"The Hair"

I CUT ALL OF MY FUCKING HAIR OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My one beauty.

Gone.

Look folks, take it from me.  If ever you find yourself in the midst of a crippling depression I would encourage you to take a trip that far exceeds your bank account.  I encourage you to adopt a dog.  I encourage you to join a really hurty full contact sport using footwear you have NEVER worn before.  Hell, I encourage you to "date" an outrageously gorgeous if not marginally retarded fellow.  It's all good stuff.

But never EVER cut your hair.

Chopping off 5 pounds of what can arguably be considered one of your best assets should never ever ever be considered when you haven't left your bed in two days.  Ever.

EVER

I'm not a "hair and makeup" girl.  Not because I'm fighting the power against the oppression of the womynzz.  Not because I'm down to earth.  It's because I don't have a goddamned clue HOW.  When I try either look like a clown or a really cheap cougar.  As a result, I am stuck looking like fat Joan Jett.  A fat Joan Jett during one of the busiest social times of the year.

It's not even that it's the worst.  It's Jean-Ralphio the WOOOOOOOOOOOOR-HUUUUUURSTTT.

So, it's on.  The battle of me and The Hair.  The only way I can win this one is patience.  This will be my greatest struggle ever. Patience is the worst.

But make no mistake, The Hair will not beat me.

I will reign victorious.

Because I always win.

GUYS!!!

5 more office days until I can do the ceremonial burn of my business casuals

It finally hit me yesterday when my boss and I had our final PA.  It then hit me like a ton of bricks when a sweet coworker actually shed tears.  Sigh.  In any event...I am so ready and excited.

I'm also really fucking tired.  Practically dying in a non dying way.  This shred is riDONKulous.  I also had two practices this week and today I actually felt a panic attack coming on.  It has been a looooong time since that's happened so I'm taking this a sign that tonight I need to bail on another derby related event and spend a full evening of one on one time with the best guy in the world.  It turns out that he loves Community so we will kill the 4th season this evening.  Yay!   This might be one of the last weekend evenings we can do this.

You know why?

Any guesses?....

...about what's around the corner?

CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, far be it from me to exaggerate but THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!
God, I love Christmas.  Everything about it.  Decorating and curling up by the tree.  Eating our weight in sugar.  What's awesome about THIS Christmas is that the girls are gone the week before Christmas and then they ARE ALL MINE!!!!!  Hurrah!    This year I'm forcing them to spend a lot of money on me.  II know it doesn't seem right but jesus christ, I drop, like, a kazillion bucks on them.  The least they can do is get ME really good shit this year.

So, curling up, in full relaxation mode....ennjoying it while it lasts.

Good f-ing shizznit, yo.

You've come a long way, Baby!

I was about 11 years old at the time.    I was at the cottage and my friend and I were at the ice cream shop, both desperately wanting the same ice cream.  Both frozen with embarrassment and equally aware of the ridiculousness of our situation.  The problem?  The ice cream we desired was called A Fistful O' Fudge.   Neither one of us could muster up the balls to actually say "I would like a Fistful O' Fudge", the utter absurdity of the name was just too much to bear.  So we sat and waited and giggled, determine to have this ice cream because it was literally a Fistful O' fucking FUDGE.  I actually can't recall if we ended up getting it or if we opted for far less offending name.  It actually doesn't matter.


I have a tendency to to jump in with both feet and with my eyes closed.  The more I think about shit the less I'm likely to do it.  So, when I joined this derby thingy I knew exactly nothing about it and considered it a fun beer league, a way to burn off some steam.

Turns out this league is one of the top five derby leagues in the entire goddamned country.   They aren't fucking around.  Two of my coaches are trying out for team Canada.  I leeeeetle more than I had bargained for.

My bad.

Obviously some adjustments have to be made.   Like....if I have a chance in hell of being drafted a really good start is losing 20 pounds.   My size is only increasing.  My jeans are tights in the calves.  I am going to look like the incredible fucking hulk with a wicked muffin top if something doesn't give.

Kale smoothies.  So many kale smoothies.  No booze, nothing fried.  Breakfast every day.  Nothing after 8.  Extensive drills.  Two runs a week.

Another two pounds gained.  Still can't hold a plank.  Still can't beat 22 laps.


sigh


It's time.

For.

The Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.


This is a list of purchases I have made in person.  No shame, hesitation or wearing a disguise involving a moustache.

monistat 7
preperation h
pin worm medication ( not for me, I swear...well, I did take some just in case )
magnum condoms
1 or three vibrators
2 different colon evacuators
Plan B
lancing kit


Yet all of a sudden I'm that 11 year old kid again, wanting a Fist Full O' Fudge ice cream cone.  I can't, for the life of me, bring myself to buy this ridonkulous DVD in person.  Jillian Michaels.  HAHAHA.  Oh god.  I considered picking it up in a different city.

But life is so much easier than when I was 11.

Take that, Suckers!!!!  No more need for the crushing humiliation of being just another chubbo buying this stupid work out DVD.   Click send and away I go.

Man.  Life is so goddamned easy these days.  Well, minus the derby thing.

*melt*

As I transition into my full time work from home gig it becomes abundantly clear that my 2ft filthy covered in candy bar wrappers desk simply isn't suitable home office space.   WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??!!!!

Right. I'll just use this GIGANTIC table that is literally just sitting in the middle of my living room as a desk.

Sometimes my very basic of observational skills are utterly tragic.

Anyway...

I was rearranging the basement in preparation of my sweet new office space and cleaning out 8 years of complete garbage from the drawers of my old desk and found A MOUNTAIN OF SQUISHY HEARTMELTING AMAZING AWESOME in the form of a million burned dvds of pictures and videos from when the kids were little.

OH MY GAHHHHHH!!!!!

It's funny.  I remember that day.  We had this stupid singing and  dancing bear.  O would run around it literally.every.single.day.  Over and over again.   To this day that song haunts me.  She was chronically sick and snotty so she couldn't eat nuts, wheat, eggs, beef or any food colouring.   L had a cold herself and was so miserable.  Sophia, for some reason was actually delightful.    I was going through a divorce and my sister was also in a transition period so we rented a house together for 2 years.   I was a single parent on mat leave, and all of my money was being eaten up by legal fees.  That year my parents had to buy my kids Christmas presents for me.   I was so stressed and felt like I was an inch tall.  At the time I was all "ZOMIGODS THIS IS THE WORST"

I was sooooo wrong.  It.was.the.best.

About a year or two later I was dating a fellow who got me just about the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.  Behind my back he took the girls for a photo shoot.  AND I FOUND THE DVD OF THE ENTIRE SHOOT!  Now,  I know first hand how hard it is to dress up three little people and try to get a group shot of them....as evidenced by this picture...

And this one...

.  And...AND he had them put their handprints on the back of each picture.  I completely forgot about the handprints so I went and looked and Clark Griswald cried at the sheer sweet of it.

GAHHH

I swear, my uterus is itching.  And I feel like I need to find this guy and give him a fruit basket.

The best!!

Odd

Tonight we are all going to my ex husband's for dinner and a hot tub.

This morning I found the body and the severed legs and tail of a mouse.  No head.  I'm praying that Gary ate it rather than finding it in two weeks.  If this dog can eat an entire pumpkin and box of tampons the LEAST he could do is eat a mouse head after killing it.

A doode I dated, like, 5 years ago emailed me and asked me out for dinner.........

....and I said no as I have earmarked my Saturday night to catch up on Season 3 of Parks and Recreation and I have cleared my Sunday so I can go out and watch the WFTDA Championships with the rest of the league.  Like I'm some kind of a jock.....who finally has her priorities straight.


Life is weird.

Holy Upswing!

This totally me right now

I'm an athletic wizard totally together.  Sparkly and amazing.   Nothing in my way.


Ok, maybe I'm more like this....

Exhausted and sore and more than likely sleeping in my derby attire (yes, those are full length spandex pants you see) as I am too goddamned tired to move.  (or even take my gear off my bed) But looks aside tonight pretty much was the best night of my life.  Not only did I complete and survive minimums I  did WAAAAYYYY better than I ever anticipated.   Hit like a fucking derby queen and only fell once after a hit.  And...AND.!!!.....I jumped the pylon 3 times without falling.  Jesus Christ.  So close.  So uplifting!  

I'm just gonna say it.  I am so glad I lost my marbles when I did.  I never, in a million years would have signed up for this had I been in a reasonable state of mind!  Obviously it was a terrible time and I'm so glad it I FOUND my marbles again.  Just saying..sometimes nervous breakdowns serve a pretty amazing purpose.  A catalyst for change in listless mind.

This picture (I'm full of pictures tonight!) sums it up so nicely.

God. Just so good.

I'm a ray of Sunshine!

IF IT WAS OPPOSITE DAY


Gugghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

My kid might be having a nervous breakdown, we are STILL reeling from the aftermath of Gary's pumpkin consumption, I somehow fell in love with a porn star, there have been two mouse sightings in the basement and everything is outta control.

But most troubling of all is that tonight is minimums testing.  I'm not ready.  Not at all and I am totally ok with that.  Just sign me up for next boot camp.  I knew it would take me two shots anyway so it isn't like I am bummed about being shitty or nervous about passing.  It's that I still haven't recovered from being anally assassinated,  two toenails have been lost (and HURT) my back is fucked and I have now been put on a second round of antibiotics to get rid of this persistent pneumonia that has plagued me.   I don't want to race about or be hit or get hit.   Tonight I just want to start smoking again and watch stupid teevee.

Or at least more of this blue eyed bastard in action

Le sigh

James Deen, HOW are you a real boy?!?

FINE

Like many folks out there I have a few old email accounts just sitting there, collecting spam.   

This morning I decided to have a gander to see if there are any sweet think geek offers, only to find 18 invitations to LinkedIn.   Invitations to be a part of my LinkedIn community....under my apparent pseudonym Lane Brigs.    Lane Brigs who goes to Laurier.    GAHHHHH

Obviously this was the nefarious act of an evil con trying to take over the world.  Panic in my heart and complete computer ineptitude paved way for way too much time trying to disarm his treacherous act.  Time that I SHOULD have been playing ruzzle doing productive Sunday morning chores before I hit the rink.

This might be the Universe telling me to get back to school.

Lane Brigs...I spit on you

Would You Rather:Rob Ford Edition

Would you rather have a total of 5 hours of sex with Rob Ford and ONLY the two of you will ever know.

Or

Be married to him.  Now, you never have to touch, look at or have sex with him, BUT, everyone will know that you are Rob Ford's wife.


It is taking me a significant amount of time to decide which is the lessor of the two evils.