Is it terrible....

....that when I read on aol.com that Oral Roberts died I gasped...then when I realized that they were NOT talking about Orville Redenbacher I was relieved?


Man, that was quite a swing of emotion.

ugh

I HATE Lady Gaga.

The girl

I fear I may have created a monster. Quite literally.

You see, ten years ago I gave birth to one of the most interesting yet totally terrifying child and for some ungodly reason her father and I have allowed her to join Girl Guides.

I am a firm believer that Girl Guides is a terrific organization. I don't know from personal experience because I was the third child and basically got the shaft in terms of extra curricular activities but from I hear it's top notch. Anyhoo, for most children this is a great opportunity to gain skills and confidence. For Sophia this is an opportunity for memorization, deadline meeting, organizing and earning badges.


I flip flop between being highly amused and totally petrified.

R.I.P Carl The Cat Bolt

You were one great cat.

CHEEEEESE

I swear smoked gouda is almost better when I am sick.

I lied

Blah.

Dear God

I get it. Patrick Swayze died. Boo hoo. There I cried and I am sad. Now can you PLEASE make the incessant She's Like the Wind plays on the radio stop?!? Like NOW? I swear to you that if I go one solid week without hearing this fucking song I will remain chaste for an entire year.......retroactively of course.

Your Friend,

Christie.

Home reno

As I try to dig myself out of this existentialist fog I seem to have been floating in this past year I am becoming more and more aware of everything that has crumbled around me. Not sure what is worse, to be honest. The clogged drain in the bathroom that I have neglected...until last night when I decided that hell or high water would not prevent me from fixing the problem. Long story short, I broke the plug and now there is no more pretty drain..just a deep black hole filled with unimaginable horrors. I look at my pile of jeans that are far more snug then I ever remembered them to be and this is just as much of a mystery to me as why it has come to pass that icecream actually tastes BETTER than it ever has before. I let my kids eat their breakfast in front of the tele...at one point this was an unforgivable offense. Now I am just too tired to argue. Where the hell am I going with this?

Oh yeah. I think I snapped out of it last night. I think. I woke up with my usual inflated sense of self worth. I told my daughter I was right because, well, I am always right (actually, I think I may have been wrong). Anyhoo...good times.

Later, Bitches!

Date

Him:

Attractive
Fit
Tall
Successful
Funny
Smart
Full chest and arms covered in tattoos that were hidden by his shirt (I hoped)
Well read
Great smile


Me:

Wondering why I bothered to flat iron my hair and get a babysitter.

Dear Hideous Troll at Stanley Park Zehrs

I just wanted to thank you for being a class act. I knew the moment I saw you walking up to me wearing your charming t-shirt (see below) that I was in for a real treat. You didn't disappoint. Yes, thank you, I know I have a nice behind and it is a real shame indeed that you didn't see it before I got into the habit of eating 15 dozen Drumstick icecreams a week. You think I am "real hot"? YES! Me too! Holy socks, you should see me when I have actually showered, laundered my clothes and put on makeup. The best part of the whole thing was the fact that you actually thought that ANY of this was an appropriate discussion to have IN FRONT OF MY CHILDREN.

ps-if I see you again and you have the fucking nerve to tell my kids that you will get them whatever they want I am going to pull your ponytail and kick you in the cock.





Hey there!

Maybe Andy did it?

Dates with friends are the best. Wednesday afternoon Jenny (thanks for the ticket m'love!), Dan (thanks for the previous Leonard Cohen ticket!) and I boarded the mighty greyhound with a bag of semi warm Coors Lights and made our way to Toronto to see U2. Traffic was fucked. I think it took about 3.5 hours to get there. I typically try to avoid bus johns but after a large coffee and several beers I had to grin and bear it. Sorry RimMan for slapping you in the face but really, you could have been friendlier about it. Anyhoo...FINALLY made it (missed SnowPatrol) and considering we started out with shitty tickets we actually made it to about 30-40 feet center stage. I was right behind a group of rather burly doodes who were not having it when folks tried to make their way closer to the stage so there were a few moments where I honestly thought I would going to get punched by accident. I thought at one point that Jenny grabbed my boob...I asked later and confirmed that she did not. What I did love though was her very matter of fact reply "No, maybe Andy did it". HAHAHA..Jenny, for the record...if your boyfriend ever cups my spectacular breasts and gives them a squeeze I might request a spicier response! So, who the hell knows who copped a feel. F-ing pigs.

I ate just about the best street meat in the world even though there was not a hot pepper or saurkraut in sight. I am still thinking about it.

So that's that!

Dear God

If you make me well by Monday I vow to stop thinking filthy, filthy things about the super tattooed landscaper down the street. If I am well by tomorrow night I will throw in the 21 year old punk who lives across the street.

I think this is a fair deal.

The birds are singing and I am in love.

I didn't think it was possible to find love again at my age.

I was wrong.

Good morning.

Some days I wake up and think "Wow, I have a lot of kids"

Am I a Transformer?

I was off to the big city on Saturday. The drive up was quite smooth..until I hit Bloor. I sat there for almost an hour creeping ever so slightly while enjoying the sounds of idiots blasting their horns and the roaring of fighter jets flying too close to the ground for my liking. I do not suffer from road rage at.all, however, I was <-> this close to totally losing my shit.

Anyhoo...got to KZ and Corey's and off to a lovely pub we went. I don't typically drink that much but man, were the beers ever going down smoothly. Actually, the round of Jagger shots KZ's old boss got us went down smoothly too!

Back to K & C's and Headbandz (80's edition) ensued. I am kicking myself for not picking it up from the Goodwill for a buck when I saw it...ugh. Anyhoo...good times.

The next day it was off to the beach. While sleeping on the beach with the sun on my back causing irreversible skin damage I was rudely awaken by a little puppy who decided to mount my head. It's owners were horrified...I was delighted. Cutest little thing I have ever seen...this includes my children. In my next life I am going to be a child free dog person.

I of course forgot my camera. Dangit.

These are a few of my favourite things....

Today I had to write 10 post dated cheques. No problem, right? Turns out I not only spelled Contemporary wrong but also misspelled HUNDRED(!?!) incorrectly.

Such is life.

Pretty Bird!!!!

It might be time for me to admit that I thought that Dumb and Dumber was HILARIOUS!! I thought of this scene today at work and almost peed my pants laughing.

Bee inspired Haiku

Today a bee crawled

Up my leg and placed a sting

Deep into my flesh

Hot or not?

I am trying to decide if my excitement over the 1.5 inch butternut squash that is growing in my garden is a sign of maturity or completely pathetic.

I chose to believe it is awesomely mature of me. So, suck it, Bitches!! Behold, my butternut squash!

Pinata=awesome

So I know everyone is just dying to know how the pinata turned out. Well, it was awesome. I knew it would be but I didn't realize what a pain in the ass it would be. It took about 4 days to fully construct this bad boy. It also turns out that cats really like eating pinatas. Who knew? Anyhoo..once I was able to stop the cats from eating it and it was all dried my friends and I went to town.

So here it is, in all its glory:






Here is Sarah carefully placing little tissue bits


The bad news is the pinata fell off the strings after the first swat. This of course only meant an opportunity to play pinata baseball.

Here is Niki ruining the party by destroying the pinata


Pinata baseball


About 30-35 people showed up and we had some drinks, some eats and some convo. Good times. House parties are the bee's knees.

Here is an end of the night shot of Jenny and I....just cause we look hawt, if not completely exhausted and slightly inebriated.

Oooh baby!

So it looks as though I will be having a wee shinding on Saturday. It somehow became a theme party of the Mexican sort. Ordinarily I would have a total shit fit at the prospect of a theme party except this gives me the BEST excuse to make a pinata!!!!!!

I am pretty bummed that I couldn't start it tonight, however, thanks to my wheat sensitive children I don't have any crap flour and I have a feeling that Kamut flour just wont cut it. So, tomorrow I will go to work, making the greatest pinata in the history of the world.

Hoooly shit. I can't wait. It is going to be AWESOME! Hold on to your hats folks, I am about to amaze you with my paper mache skills.

It's gonna look like this:



You will notice my lack of ambition this time around. I feel that I will have far more room to gloat when my pinata is smoking hot compared to this pile of puke.

Wheeeeeeeeee!

Yeah!

I never thought I would see the day...

....where I gave three guinea pigs a bath.

What has happened to my life?

*sniff*

I have just had the most emotionally draining week.

My lovely boy, Carl has to be re homed.

Carl came to live with me seven years ago. Once upon a time I would visit the Humane Society every other day just to see the animals. I knew I wanted another cat but I was in no hurry. At the time the Humane Society was doing some major renovations so I also enjoyed seeing the new homes the abandoned cats and dogs had. I think I was having some major postpartum issues so seeing these little critters getting new digs warmed my black heart. Anyhoo...one day I walked into the cat area, saw Carl and right away went up to the counter and told them I wanted to bring him home that day. And that is how he came to live with me!

If I were to be totally honest with myself I would have to say that he peed in the house from day one. I first noticed it when I was pregnant with my youngest daughter. I contacted the animal communicator and was told that it was likely because I was pregnant and going through a divorce. I ran with that and sure enough once the baby was born he stopped...at least I no longer noticed it. Being a single parent to three babies ages 0 to 4 left little time to notice a cat peeing everywhere. Fast forward to today and a couple thousands of dollars later to try and remedy this problem it has been made clear that only two options remained. Re homing him somewhere without any other cats or putting him to sleep. I made the decision to put him to sleep as it seemed like the most humane option. I would never dream of sending him back to the HS where he would likely live the rest of his life in a cage. I also didn't want to re home him with someone I didn't know as I feared that he would be mistreated. I made the decision and sent an email out to my friends explaining the situation.

Some people have terrible exhusbands. I do not. In fact, I might love my exhusband more now than I did when we were married. The King emailed me and told me that he and his wife would like to take Carl on a trial basis. I cried. Like, I really cried.

This Thursday Carl will be en route to his new home. I have to admit that I have had a constant lump in my throat since these plans have been made. I am not sure I have met a sweeter cat than Carl. I mean, I know that he will be treated really, really well AND he has the additional bonus of seeing my girls every other weekend but I can't shake the idea of Carl thinking that I have abandoned him. Well, I suppose I have but it was with the best of intentions. Sadly I can not make Carl understand this.

So, farewell to Carl the Great. May you have a long and wonderful life in your new home where I know you will be loved as much as you have been here.

Back to the grind

I just returned from a most lovely week away from it all.

The girls and I packed the hell out of my wee Civic and took off to Bayfield for the week. Cottage was awesome, weather was great, managed to read 3.5 books (mind you, two were fluffy) and ate way too much junk food.

The cottage is just about my favourite place in the world to be. I like nothing more than completely unplugging from life and falling asleep to the sound of waves.

Here is the ONLY picture I have of all three girls. You'll notice the trademark eyeroll of the oldest.

Cecil

Cecil is my cat.

He is orange.

He is a husky boy.

He likes garbage.

He is the biggest motherfucker I have had the misfortune of crossing today.

What is that smell?!?!?!?!

GAH! For TWO months there has been an odor in my kitchen. I have scrubbed the floor with various products, washed the walls, scrubbed the garbage can and laundered the drapes. It.will.not.go.away. I finally moved the stove and fridge out fully expecting to find a decomposed mouse. Nothing.

This is seriously driving me mad. What is even worse is I appear to be the only one smelling it.

UGH UGH UGH!!

I hate Mad TV

But sometimes it delivers

Fuck you, Feist

I forgot how much I love Robert Johnson!!

Caught with my hand under the pillow.

I have been moonlighting as the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus for almost a decade and I must say I have done a fantastic job of not blowing my cover.

Until last night.

My middle daughter had a loose tooth for a good few weeks. If there is one thing I just love it's ripping out teeth. I was actually a little sad when my last baby tooth came out. The good news is I have lots of kids who of course have lots of teeth so my need for make believe dentistry can still be satisfied. After weeks of pestering and whining (me, not the girl) she finally allowed me to try and yank it out. I only got it half way which resulted in the best snaggletooth ever. Anyhoo......fast forward to 11pm when she proudly manages to rip her tooth out.

Yes, I said 11pm.

By this time I had worked a full day plus a few hours of overtime PLUS made 6 end of year gifts for the teachers. My eyes are blurring and my body is screaming for my bed. The girl is of course over the moon excited at the prospect of the Tooth Fairy paying her a visit and is likely not going to fall asleep for some time. This was actually a good thing because I soon realized that I didn't have ANY change in my purse. I contemplated giving her a cute little IOU from the tooth fairy. I'm not too proud to admit that I considered raiding her piggybank and using some of her allowance , it's not like she actually earns it. In the end it was reasonable parenting skills that won. I waited for an eternity for her to fall asleep and I pounced at the first sign of slumber. My hand goes under the pillow and I can not find this bloody tooth anywhere. My fumbling hand woke her up.

She believed me 100% when I told her I was just making sure the Tooth Fairy could find her tooth. I honestly can't believe how much my children trust me. Awesome.

Good times.

WARNING!!!!! Do not read this if you are squeamish or Zerback.


Did you know what a dead chipmunk can do after sitting in the stifling sun for an unknown period of time? I do. It turns out that when you pick up a dead chipmunk its tail will snap off and the decomposing carcass can actually manage to splat on your leg and STICK there until you start running around like you have stepped on a bee hive.

Ask me how I know this.

Uggghhh...I can still feel it. Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

No good deed goes unpunished

It's that time of year again. When frantic parents rummage through the vanity looking for hairspray, can't seem to find the right colour of thread for sewing and need to make a quick dash to the pharmacy to buy blue frost eyeshadow. The time of year I am referring to is the grand dance recital. This is when proud Grandparents, bored siblings and over caffinated soccer Moms get to watch their little darlings perform their mediocre dance skills.

The dance studio my girls go to is terrific. There is a great deal of parental involvement, tasteful costumes and a general cheery attitude. One thing this dance studio really counts on is parent volunteers. I couldn't help but notice a sharp decrease in the number of volunteers. Actually, it is hard not to notice when the director of the studio has sent emails begging us to volunteer. Anyhoo, me, being a super amazing person decided to step up to the plate. I figure I would lend a hand to the junior area. This way I can chill with the kids and obsess over my own offspring's makeup. Easy peasy! The 7-12 year old crown is super low maintenance. Bring some snacks, a DVD player and some Advil and I am laughing!

No such luck.

I have been slotted in the Kinderdance/Primary dressing room. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!? Do you know what 4-6 year old kids are like?!?! This is just about the worst place for me to be. I genuinely dislike young children, particularly 4-6 year old girls in large quantities. Turns out everyone else does too as it is only me and ONE OTHER PARENT who will be responsible for these easily misplaced little creatures.

Let us do the math. 20 ankle biters + 2 babysitters = FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

What is a Mother to do...

....when her five year old draws at least 10 pictures a day of dead people listening to music.

This is precisely the reason I DO NOT let my kids watch violent movies.

The children are our future.

I hope my children grow up to be just.like.her.

sigh

If I get one more crappy email forward I might burst into a flaming ball of rage.

I don't mind the funny pet pictures, or the awesome test answers thing. In fact, I am a huge fan of those. What I can't take anymore of are the Amber Alerts, half naked men and the "You Know You are a Mom When." poorly written forwards designed to make someone laugh. I would like to think that anyone who knows me enough to email me know that I am NOT a fan, in fact there have been hours devoted to emails between my sister and I discussing how and why they are so terrible.

I am pretty much 100% sure that there not a single record of ANYONE being the unfortunate recipient of bad luck as a result of not forwarding "A Real Friend Will....".

A lovely am gift.

This morning I went out to look at my garden and I was greeted with not one, but two dead birds. My cat loves me so.

I am slowly becoming that crazy lawn person (look up my Dad in the dictionary for a full definition). I can't bear to do a rough calculation of how much dough I have spent on my "gardens" over the years. What is so tragic about this hobby of mine is that I am TERRIBLE at it. Imagine a fisherman who is so bad he uses a baseball bat for bait. I am THAT terrible. Not only am I terrible I am also waaaaaay too ambitious. BUT...I just finished planting my veggie garden! It looks spectacular!

The May 24 has come and gone.

There is no other holiday, with the exception of Christmas, that makes me more excited then the long weekend. This year I had the cutest couple in the world and one hell of a cook stay with me for the weekend and I had a small shindig on Friday. The rest of the weekend was devoted to R&R. Lots of awesome food, drinks, chats, gardening and watching Carl run through my neighbours tulips. Ugh, he is the reason people hate cats. Actually, *I* am the reason people hate cats.

Oooh yeah!

Guess who I am seeing tomorrow? You guessed it! LEONARD!

God Bless her.

I can appreciate that she is not as eloquent as Miss South Carolina but she is certainly a worthy contender.

Meanness to Children

The other day I was between grocery shopping and dropping/picking up kids from dance. I was making really good time and for the first time in a little while I wasn't feeling the pinch of the clock. In fact, I was feeling rather Sunny! I turned the corner and out of the corner of my eye I saw this kid, 7, 8 years old sitting in the passenger seat of some super expensive type of car that generally pisses me off. The little shit makes the ugliest face at me, like if looks could kill kind of thing. Now, if I were in my typical rush, or, I was a lot more mature I would have brushed it off. Unfortunately for that little bastard it was my lucky day. I drove about 20 feet past the car and stopped. I then proceeded to turn around and s-l-o-w-l-y drive by the car. I brought out a receipt and a pen and pretended to write down the license plate number. Wheee! What a rush! Who would have thought that this could be such fun! With my need for revenge not yet satisfied I did one more little turn about and passed her again. So.awesome.

I think this is one of those things that I should feel badly about.

Spring!

SPRING!!!!!!!!!


It's here!

Of all the piggies to get....

....I get the nocturnal ones.

I actually did quite a bit of research on the little bad boys. All the reading I did assured me that Guinea pigs are diurnal. Why and how, for the love of God, did I end up with not one, but THREE nocturnal little bastards?!?! Yes, yes....they are babies and a little scared of their new surroundings and the constant yelling of the children. There may have been an unfortunate incident involving Carl the cat falling into their cage, further perpetuating the profound fear they surely feel. Did I mention that my baby girl also happened to pick one of the loudest little fuckers in the history of the cavy world?

Oh yeah, one of them seems to have contracted a nice eye infection! I can't WAIT for the vet bill!

Why do I do this to myself?

Ohhhh yeah!

Check out this masterpiece!

I will admit, I got a little carried away. I am not sure the little critters will actually need a multi level pad at this point. It was just so much fun! I have agreed to keep them in the living room for a week. Then, down to the basement they go.

I really am quite a talent.

Just shoot me.

Why?

How do these scripts even make it this far? These types of movies are a fucking insult to my intelligence.

Blah.

Get in the Bunker!

There have been just under 300 confirmed cases of the swine flu as of today.

About 3000 people die a day from Malaria

Millions of courses of medications to treat this flu are being stockpiled.

One $10.00 insecticide bed net can protect an entire family from contracting a disease that can kill them within days of contracting.

I wonder how many $10.00 insecticide nets one could get with 1/1000 of the money being used to ensure our safety from a flu.

I so desperately hope that I am not alone in thinking that there is something terribly wrong with this picture.

Building stuff

I have decided to try my hand at rodent hotel construction. The kidlets will be getting some guinea pigs soon (if they comply with my long list of demands)and I can not find anything suitable for these critters in any pet chain. Anyway, while trolling the interwebz I found a rather clever alternative for the supercrap plastic cages. I will build this cage, it will be awesome and my tarnished image of past ill attempts of undertaking such things will be erased from history.

I'm awesome.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1174210/30-stone-mother-feeds-baby-triplets-junk-food-diet--admits-McDonalds-just-months.html


This is the kind of stuff that makes me so angry. I am just not sure what pisses me off more, the woman in question or the type of rag that reports things like this as "news".

ADHD

I am a huge fan of Paint. Everyone seems to know how to do it and do it well. I on the other hand can not. I want to. About every month or so I sit down, determined to learn this....um....I think it is called an "application". See, I am just about the most useless person when it comes to computers. The fact that my job is one that requires me to sit at my desk, in front of a computer for eight hours a day is alarming when you consider my inability to use one. All of these little "features" ie:Paint, Word....just confuse me. Anyway, back to Paint and how I want to learn how to use it. I get these pictures from my friends and it makes me practically pee my pants. I really think that learning to use Paint would change my life for the better. I bet it would be as awesome as it was when I figured out what the whole masturbation thing was REALLY about. I would spend my days putting clever little moustaches on dogs and writing "Douchbag" with an arrow pointed to the unfortunate drunkard who happened to get into the shot. Man Alive, what bliss!

Tomorrow is the day I learn Paint.

ummm bioterrorism?!?!

Is it just me or is the idea of an emergency kit a little extreme? I mean, I have about 6 loose bandaids in my bathroom drawer, the only batteries I have in the house are in things requiring batteries and those batteries are often replaced with batteries from other battery using object. I have some candles but they are mostly floating in my underwear drawer or my dust and cob web covered sex box. I read different news groups and I swear to God these people are making me shit bricks.

Here is part of a "common sense" list:

-couple of boxes of masks-
- candles, matches, batteries,
-5 gallons of gas,
-six gallons of water,
-enough dry goods and canned foods to avoid the supermarket for four weeks, first aid kit,
- a woodpile

A woodpile?!?! What the fuck? I can't even start a fire with a stack of newspapers and a lighter. Apparently I am woefully unprepared. Either that or this world is crazier than I thought.
G-danged SwineFlu