Wednesday, April 30, 2014

And on the Eighth Day God Created Ativan

Getting anxiety attacks during super cool awesome times is like getting a gigantic headache at Christmas time.   Everything is still really rad....but there is it....a gloomy little wrinkle in things.

I am no stranger to these little fuckers and I will say that I am so so glad that my anxiety attacks aren't that bad.....but they are still pretty sucky.

Now, a lot has changed these past few weeks.  All positive.  All amazing.   BUT...it's still change and I can't help but think that my little mind is processing it all.    One little one, here and there is ok...but when you are in a perpetual cycle of deep breathing, jitters and sweat it suuuuuucks.     If only there was a pill for such things.


Uh....wait.  Yep.  There is in fact a pill for that.  A pill where the ONLY side effect is no more panic attacks.


Seeing my family doctor always results in three things.   A pap test, my vagina being pinched in the speculum  and disapproving looks.    I'll be honest, part of me thinks (worries?) that my 65 year old doctor will think I'm a tramp for having a maintained nether region.  Anyway,   I knew there would be some friction between us as my legs are covered in bruises so I knew that I had to tell him about derby (he doesn't approve).    


 BUT....off I went with my little script.


And all is exactly well.


Monday, April 28, 2014

uhh..

Can someone PLEASE explain to me why I'm getting constant panic attacks?

Look, I am no stranger to these lil' bastards BUT my life, right now, is literally PERFECT.  Like, no stress, no bullshit.   I'm even seeing some grass come up!   For realizies....not a single reason why.

It seems cruel, really.   It's one thing when you are stressed out.  You are already feeling shitty so how problematic is a little hyperventilation.   But when you are running around like you are Mary Fucking Tyler Moore, farting rainbows and sunshine,  grasping for breath and your lips going numb kinda puts a wrench in things.

It is my totally well thought out, rational opinion that I have a brain tumour.

Sigh...I'm too young and fabulous to dieeeeeeeeee

Sunday, April 27, 2014

So last night

This happened




Followed by this



And waaaaaay too many of these...





Pretty much the best EVER

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Eeeeeeeee!



Yeah.   So this is me.




oh bla di ob la da

The past few days have been a constant exercise in embarrassment.   Constant.  All my fault.  Most hilarious.

But none so horrible as the Turkish Get Downs I'm forced to do repeatedly during my training sessions.  I get that these are important but they are horrible and I am having a great deal of difficultly recovering from the red face of shame.

I quit.  Except I don't.  I just like knowing I CAN if I want to.


All will be cured with dinner at the best place in town and one or three Jamison's.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Set backs, gains and habits

As a creature of habit it's imperative that I have a routine.  Without it my world explodes and I adopt pets or start randomly digging holes.

It always amazes me how fast I grow accustomed to things and before I know it it's just my life.

Mondays-  Run and Derby

Tuesday-  Circuit and run

Wednesday- Run

Thursday-  Circuit

Friday-  Circuit and run

Saturday-  Personal training session

Sunday- Reeeeeeeeeeeest!


Now, as I get older the more I think I might be RainMan.     Or perhaps it's just my OCD kicking in as my veggies and fruit HAVE to be in the fridge waiting the morning blend.  My protein shake premixed and ready for consumption.  Always have to have two in the fridge juuuuust in case I forget.  OMG WHAT IF I FORGET!!!!  

But there are results.   Small results.   I hit my first "goal" yesterday and while it's small and I see no actual physical difference in myself I just feel better.   My energy level is awesome.  My stress level is proportionate to the circumstances.  I am getting stronger and I am actually starting to get the feel of that blasted underpush.  

But then of course life happens and I am reminded how important it is to take things in stride, just let yourself stumble over a pebble a little bit rather than letting it get stuck in your wheel and falling on your ass.

Pebbles like your flipping dryer hose dealy constantly coming out of the wall and fighting like hell to gross stupid grass.

Pebbles like an epic head lice infestation which finally ended yesterday when I actually had to call in a lice expert (they exist!).  $300.00, and hours of nitpicking later we are free.   It also turns out she is a super church lady who not only left me a really really long note about how God loves me but ALSO invited me to , I kid you not, a weekend conference for all of God's daughters.  I'm not entirely sure what The Divine conference offers but I'm pretty sure there isn't a beer tent at the "dream center".   That said, the rousing chorus of the Divine Host's "gals" kinda sorta makes me want to get stoned and attend.  This wouldn't be my worst idea.

In addition to all of this one of my favourite fellow Freshies broke her leg.  Ugh.  This is a huge bummer as I just loved skating with her.   Sigh...   Pebbles, just pebbles.  Not boulders, not the end of the world.

I'm a terrible overthinker.  To be fair to myself, I don't think this will ever change.  It's who I am.   For a very long time I allowed negative self thoughts to overcome rationality.   Laying in bed wondering and stressing about whether I will be mortgage free in 15 years.   Will I have enough when I retire?

   Sleeplessness.

Now, out of nowhere I have had such pleasant,  naturally occurring thoughts.   I'm going to add another lap on Monday night.    How nice it's going to be to finally be able to dig in the dirt, perfectly placing my tomatoes.

And now only one more sleep until such an awesome upcoming weekend.    I will try really hard not to look too excited to see the kids go.  

Monday, April 21, 2014

Good news and Bad news

First the bad news....



Here is the ugly result of Gary's reign of terror.   Not a single blade of grass to be found.  The endless battle for grass continues on.


Now on to the good!  And there is so much!

First, check out the amazing cake I pulled off..


Seriously, who has two thumbs and is ah-mazing?  ME!!!!


Also, today I had a very successful run.   This 5K will be here shortly.  I know it's only 5K and that total lardos and people in way worse shape than I do them but I swear, if I come in last I am going to rage binge the hell out EVERYTHING.


But best of all?  I can finally chill out on my deck, scotch in hand.  My very favourite place to me.

The best.   The absolute best.



Thursday, April 17, 2014

Operation: Cut the Bullshit

Well, I gotta say that my new embrace of the good and ridding the bad has gone splendidly.  Obviously work related stuffs is obviously a little more difficult to navigate  but my philosophy is that if it's not good for me, collects dust and/or is a pain in the ass... it's outta here.

Well, except for this headache....



But it has paid off!   Such a small change and I swear I have more energy, I'm sleeping better and I have become a motherfucking go getter.  We are talking signing up for courses, a 5K run and plotting the new fence to keep the above mentioned lil' bastard away from my garden.

I could credit the diet change, the frequency in workouts (but I wont cause I'm still a blubbery wastrel) and changes in work as well as the radness that is derby but I chose to believe that it was everyone else's fault cause that's a lot easier and taking personal responsibility is for suckers and pussies.


So yay!


Anyhoooo...my wee baby is turning 10 tomorrow. *sniff*   Super fun family times to ensue.  Possibly some tension as Dad is coming for dinner (the nerve of a father wanting to dine with his children)   Good news is it's at a restaurant so fingers crossed he's on his best behaviour and uses his indoor voice.  Then the kids are gone for the rest of this glorious long weekend and the days are alllllll mine.


Oh Spring giddiness.   I have missed you so desperately so.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Commitment

"If you aren't falling.  If you aren't bruising.  If your body isn't burning, you are NOT COMMITTING!"

This is what I hear every practice.


As I type I hurt like hell and I am icing my knees and ass....but....
.........................not only did I figure out how to transition (poorly) BUT I figured out how to skate backwards.  Like, on the track, with the pack.  Transition back, transition front.  Skate skate skate.

And...AND...I added two laps.

Goddiggity damn this was a good night.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Can't decide..

What's worse, having to be in  a change room for two Philly derby teams being the only super square there.

Or.....

Coming home from the best bout ever, only to find Gary had eaten a bottle of ketchup and a block of shortening...and barfed it on the couch.


Positive attitude in check I sat back and thought of the all the amazing things I would do outside this morning.  Accomplished none of these imaginary task but somehow feel surprisingly giddy and rested.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Ouuuch






Today's reward for mastering the homework doled out by my personal trainer was more weight!  I was feeling pretty rad about how awesome I am able to goblet squat.  So short lived as I was forced to squat with a million pound kettlebell.

But it has all paid off with exactly 0 weight lost, another pair of jeans put in the "maybe one day" pile and general feeling of derby failure.  

Anyway, we were talking today about relationships (obviously, what else is there to talk about) and our pasts.  As I told the tale of the demise of my marriage the jaws continued to drop lower and lower.  I then advised them that in retrospect, those were, to date, the best years of my life.

There was a period where we literally didn't have a table to eat at.  The table was his to take and take he did.  We threw down a blanket and had picnics for weeks.  I had little babies, negative money in the bank yet deep down inside my heart was good.   I felt good.  Sure, there where times it blew donkey balls but I always new that I was awesome and that I would come through, bigger and better.

And I did.


It's hard for me to reconcile that during what should have been the worst time, I had such a demanding and powerful sense of self and value.  But now, when I SHOULD be this way.....it's just not there.  So much doubt.   It it is so frightfully hard to shake.

But I see little glimpses here and there.

I have also (finally) seen the light in the importance of non toxic relationships.  Whether they are people we are romantically involved with, coworkers, friends, you name it.  One thing I have to finally fess up to is that I am in fact a sensitive creature.  My feelings, like anyone else's, are fragile.   I have spent a fair bit of time engaging with people who simply make me feel like I'm a pain in the ass or an unimportant person worthy of care.  This of course isn't the case, but when you are personally battling this particular demon it's utter lunacy to allow them any power to remind you of what you are most insecure about.    I have been a fortunate lassie who is surrounded by people who value and care for me.  And I would like to think that I return the favour.  But within these relationships there is always someone there who whether or not they mean it, make you feel like mold.

What do smart people do about these people?

  
Cut them out like a cancer.

So, with my new found freedoms I am off to the season opener.   After watching Toronto suffer a crushing loss today it'll be re freshing to see a kick ass game in "our" favour.

But words can not express my displeasure with the location of the after party.  Tomorrow will be an amazing day of couch surfing to atone for my sins of this evening.

YAY!!!!

Monday, April 7, 2014

Know your strengths.

I am really good at five things.

1. Parenting

2.  Gardening

3.  Dating inappropriately young men

4. Baking

5.  Crocheting


You will notice that full contact sports does not appear on that list.


Tonight was pretty much the worst and I am really starting to rethink this whole thing.  I literally cried twice tonight at practice.  TWICE.  Tears of frustration.  Tears of WHY THE FUCK CAN"T I UNDERPUSH!?!?

*pout*

On the upside, I almost have the t stop.   And I also learned the hurty way that closing my eyes and just going for it really doesn't work the way it does in movies.

Stupid movies


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Just kidding

So my plans to delete the blog and redo into a new platform fell flat.  I have the attention span of a sand flea so transferring old unpublished derby related posts proved too much for me to bear.  So BackToBolt for me.

Anyway, derby is but one part of the package of me.  Seems really lame to dedicate a blog just to one part of it.   And now that MY TULIP BULBS ARE COMING UP(!!!!!!!!!) I foresee waaaay more time in my garden.   Don't even get me started on the glorious orange paint I just found for the bathroom.

Here comes the flipping sun.


Oh yeah.  I should spend some time on my fitness journey.  Afterall, that WAS my plan.

So, long story short.  I'm a fatty with no strength whatsoever.   I have carved everything out into a 13 year plan.

1)  Make a team by 40.
2)  Make Thunder by 45
3)  Look like Arnold Schwartzenegger by 50.

Needless to say I have a long road ahead.   Currently I am training with another Fresh Meat who broke her ankle last boot camp.   Our trainer is rad.   Focusing on strength and body building and conditioning.  No endless runs for this girl!  Just hauling around kettle bells and trying not to look like a complete fool while attempting Turkish getups.

Anyway, I'm learning to eat better, to move better, to sleep better.  I also learned never to go to a sweet market in your sweaty clothes post work out.  You never know when you are going to run into an ex....and his new girlfriend.....his gorgeous, tall older GF who looks totally together.


And it's fun!  Who knew!!