Ouuuch

Today's reward for mastering the homework doled out by my personal trainer was more weight!  I was feeling pretty rad about how awesome I am able to goblet squat.  So short lived as I was forced to squat with a million pound kettlebell.

But it has all paid off with exactly 0 weight lost, another pair of jeans put in the "maybe one day" pile and general feeling of derby failure.  

Anyway, we were talking today about relationships (obviously, what else is there to talk about) and our pasts.  As I told the tale of the demise of my marriage the jaws continued to drop lower and lower.  I then advised them that in retrospect, those were, to date, the best years of my life.

There was a period where we literally didn't have a table to eat at.  The table was his to take and take he did.  We threw down a blanket and had picnics for weeks.  I had little babies, negative money in the bank yet deep down inside my heart was good.   I felt good.  Sure, there where times it blew donkey balls but I always new that I was awesome and that I would come through, bigger and better.

And I did.

It's hard for me to reconcile that during what should have been the worst time, I had such a demanding and powerful sense of self and value.  But now, when I SHOULD be this way.....it's just not there.  So much doubt.   It it is so frightfully hard to shake.

But I see little glimpses here and there.

I have also (finally) seen the light in the importance of non toxic relationships.  Whether they are people we are romantically involved with, coworkers, friends, you name it.  One thing I have to finally fess up to is that I am in fact a sensitive creature.  My feelings, like anyone else's, are fragile.   I have spent a fair bit of time engaging with people who simply make me feel like I'm a pain in the ass or an unimportant person worthy of care.  This of course isn't the case, but when you are personally battling this particular demon it's utter lunacy to allow them any power to remind you of what you are most insecure about.    I have been a fortunate lassie who is surrounded by people who value and care for me.  And I would like to think that I return the favour.  But within these relationships there is always someone there who whether or not they mean it, make you feel like mold.

What do smart people do about these people?

  

Cut them out like a cancer.

So, with my new found freedoms I am off to the season opener.   After watching Toronto suffer a crushing loss today it'll be re freshing to see a kick ass game in "our" favour.

But words can not express my displeasure with the location of the after party.  Tomorrow will be an amazing day of couch surfing to atone for my sins of this evening.

YAY!!!!