2012 Round up

The clock is a ticking! Everything seems to be packed nicely, and by nicely I mean CRAMMED into the pack. I'll be a wrinkled mess for the next few weeks.

Since I'm uber stressed and need to do a ton of shit naturally I have decided to abandon it all and write my final blog post of 2012.

I'll spare the details in an effort to conserve time. Basically this year I won some, I lost some....but the past 6 months alone made up for it all.

I'll sleep well tonight.

Merry Christmas to all!

Xoxoxo

Holy shit!

5 more sleeps!

The next few days are going to be crazy so naturally I have decided that I have finish my infinity scarf RIGHT NOW!!!!! Let me be clear, I don't wear infinity scarves....and likely never will. And i just started it two days ago.

Anyhoo....I am mostly ready. All the important stuff anyway. Long underwear, a passport and anti trots medication. What more does a person need?

But seriously....I have NO fucking clue what to pack. It's shameful.

Moving on and falling in love again.

I have kissed a LOT of frogs in my life. It was worth it.

Without those missteps I never would have been introduced to apple tv which facilitated my new found love.

God bless us.

Leonard!

SO GOOD!

I hope that when I am 135 years old that I can still move around like that guy.

Look how excited Dan looks!

Well worth the 10 buck Keith's

Christmas crazies

Tree is up and decorated. Outdoor light are up. Gifts are purchased, wrapped and hidden. Dinner menu planned.

Just because I'm going to be in the air Christmas Day it doesn't mean I can't have an early Christmas.....and really, it starts for me tomorrow cause Dan and I are off to Leonard Cohen. Wahoo!

Christmas for the girls and I will be 2 days before I leave. I am really looking forward to this Christmas. Different as I won't be seeing them at all during this holiday. But, that's life, things change and you just have to embrace it and make it a really good time.

And then? PERU! Huzzah!

It's been a long time since I have been so excited for something! I forgot how good it feels.

Figures

After coming out of a year long bout of anti socialism I am digging the interaction with adults again. Not having much interest in the bar scene there is nothing that tickles me more than the potluck. And let's face it, my friends can cook. Got lots of advice on my upcoming trip AND was introduced to the greatest game ever....SPACETEAM!!!! I even made my kid get the app so we could play together.

To facilitate this outing, my dear eldest daughter babysat. This was not done out of the goodness of her heart but because she's my slave thanks to her new phone. The cool thing is she understands the arrangement and never gives me grief....but now she's clocking hours.

But as always, you get what you pay for as my crack team of Kid #3 and Kid #2 outdid themselves this time.

Being the youngest of three girls I know how shit goes down. I can understand horsing around, having fun. What I don't understand is what would possess one kid to allow the other one to draw a mustache and goatee on her face....with a purple SHARPIE. The good news is that she was on her own at school today. The onus was on her to explain why she looked like the child of Barney and Guy Fawkes. The bad news is I had to sit in a dentist's waiting room with her for half an hour People were very kind, though I knew they secretly judged.

I really don't know what irks me more. The mustache fiasco or the fact that my eldest is obviously the shittiest babysitter ever.

It's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you!

Winter....it's almost here.

Christmas means 3 things

1). Cookies

2). Cuddling

3). Sweaters


Seriously. It's the best

Karma

My drawer has been discovered.

The worst part of this is I can't even reprimand them for invading my privacy. For all I know at least one of my kids thinks their cookie baking, hat knitting Mom moonlights as a sex crazed, chocolate bar hoarding pot head!!!

Time to invest in a lock box.

Look at this guy!

I can't believe how handsome Cecil is in his bandana. He has only taken it off once!

He looks just like Tom Selleck.

True story.

The League

The League is hands down the best newest find ever.

In other news....I went to a couch surfing event with Ms M and Mr VG. Dinner with an old order Mennonite couple. I learned that not only do old order Mennonite children only reach grade 8 but that further education is DISCOURAGED. Ah-mazing. It enrages me, fascinates me and kinda makes me envy it.

Anyhoo....it just occurred to me now that this has been the best month ever. I got my Leonard Cohen tickets, discovered the teevee show The League and booked my trip to Peru. It also happens to be Toffifee season!

Toffifee!!!!!

Mid life crisis and family support.

Can you go through a midlife crisis at 35? I hope so cause that is the only logical explanation for my behaviour of late. Well, specifically a purchase.....high boots.....and skinny jeans.

So here is the thing, I have not been blessed with what one would call a keen sense of fashion. I like jeans and have only recently discovered the glory of heels. So when I googled "how to not look like a frumpy 62 year old soccer mom who lives in Birkenstocks " I was pretty surprised to discover that I have been doing it all wrong. Anyhoo....I went against every shred of basic intuition, bit the bullet and scored the skinny jeans and boots. Much to my surprise the jeans were super comfortable as are the boots! I can't believe what I have been missing!

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good about things. The house was clean, kids math tests were studied for, baking was done and I just recently bounced a pretty cute boy due to his inability to call a cab at the age of 37 (deal breakers, remember) so the Bolt To Do list was all scratched off and on to the folks I went.

I think I should have stayed home.

Mom: Nice hooker boots.

Dad: What the HELL are you wearing!?!


Now, I wouldn't say that I lack self esteem so much as have a serious aversion to trying new things and going out on a limb. Any guesses where this comes from?

Deal breakers

Herpes and DUIs

I don't have many deal breakers so you can bet your sweet ass I hold on dearly to the ones I've got.

Some moments should not be shared with your kid.

So my 13 year old and I were laying in bed watching Bones. A lame romantic side story is reaching the climax with a marriage proposal. One unintentionally funny line led to the most hilariously uncomfortable moment of my life.

Angela: I want a big one!

My eyes darted to the right where S's eyes were waiting....hysterical laughter ensues.....for like, 5 minutes.

It's comforting to know I share the same sense of humour as my teenager.

Ahhh the excitement!

Well, let me tell you, the past few days have been utterly thrilling.

And I am in now way being sarcastic.

We have had the sweetest little houseguest ever and I just managed to squeeze in another night with him. Mr. Bubba, the softest, happiest dog in the world has been simply delighting us. He also inspired the best dinner convo ever.

Me: Well I think that he is smart.

Kid #2: He peed all over my blanket!
Kid #3: He thinks he's a cat!
Kid #1: He peed on his own face!

Needless to say, where this cuddly little bastard lacks brains he more than makes up for in charm.

In other, super amazing news, my trip is booked!! The plan was originally Thailand, however, plan changed and Mr B and I are off to lovely Peru. Looks like we will fly into Cusco Christmas morning and putter about till we hit (fingers crossed) the inca trail. Sadly we waited too long and the standard 4 day one is booked. I suggested the 7 day trek and I can't be certain but fairly confident Brian looked me up and down to view the state of my body before shooting that idea down (thanks, Dick) so it looks like the two day one it is. Sheesh...some people have no sense of adventure.

Anyhoo....time for a list!

Christie's Fabulous Peruvian Adventure To Do List.

1. Eat a guinea pig
2. Not get roofied
3. Avoid any kind of massive colon blow as the result of #1 and #4
4. Eat a cow heart on a stick (apparently Cusco's equivalent of a lollipop)
5. Bring a bunch of real lollipops to give, not to be nice, but to really stick it to those little kids when they realize they have been swindled by their asshole parents who convinced them that a goddamned cow heart on a stick is a treat.
6. NOT make out with a cute localo. There is no end to my questionable judgement where a cute boy is concerned.
7. Not attempt to smuggle drugs.
8. Resist the urge to buy an awesome new camera. My shitty point and shoot will just have to do.
9. Follow medical advice regarding vaccinations and altitude sickness
10. Be fabulous.

God help me

I have one kid learning the recorder and another one learning the clarinet.

Sometimes they play together.

I hate today.

My snack

I am stupidly excited about my snack. I stumbled upon a recipe for a beet dip. As I am still swimming in beets I get very excited when I find a new one.

It seriously makes me want to sing.

Hands down my new favourite guilt free snack.

Parenting (or laziness) personified.

A wee while back an ex boyfriend called me a shitty mom. It stung until I shook my head, considered the source and the fact that the both of us forgot we were adults during a needlessly volatile breakup. This allowed my over inflated ego to take over and squash all thoughts of insecurity surrounding my parenting styles....until today.

It's Halloween. Kids love Halloween! Especially mine who are under the grossly misinformed impression that I am some kind of health nut who NEVER allows her little darlings the luxury of treats. What can I say, my approach for this time of year is to let them eat it until it's gone. Smarties for breakfast? Have at it. The sooner it's gone the better. They can eat it till they are sick for all I care....after all, the greedy little shits worked for it.

Having said this, it's cold and rainy this time around. The thought of wrangling a bunch of cold, wet kids, half of whom are pissing and moaning while the rest want to soldier on makes me iwant to slit my wrists.

My solution? BAIL!

So, I got to work preparing a Halloween candy hunt and the kids ravaged the house like a pack of zombies in search of bloody flesh.

So, here I am, a shitty Mom, curled up with her healthy, dry and warm girls while all dressed up, watching Halloween movies and eating the 50 bucks worth of candy I grabbed to compensate for the lack of trick or treating. The best part is there are no shitty coupons or pennies or toffee kisses to throw out!

Life is all good....and my reputation as the best Mom ever is still intact.

A review

Move over, printing press, Apple TV is now the most amazing invention ever.

So, after finding a nice sum of money (seriously, when does this ever happen?) I decided to actually be remotely responsible with it but left back just enough to treat myself.

My jeans are officially creamed.

I can't stress enough how useless I am at anything requiring a plug and computers. It took me about 2 hours ti figure out how to hook up the Xbox AND connect it to the wi fi.....and I was over the moon with my accomplishment. So you can only imagine my sheer delight that within minutes of simply plugging it in I was all set up to go!

Seriously.

It even has the cutest little remote.

And current movie trailers.

Marry Me, Apple TV

My baking senses are tingling....

That and I sense I'm being challenged.

I fucking HATE candy corn. Gross. But I can't believe how flipping cute candy corn COOKIES are.

So, my friend ( who happens to be a fabulous cook and baker) told me that these cookies are a huge pain in the ass/massive disappointment.

And this is where my competitive streak kicks in....just in time for my Halloween party!

I'm gonna spend the next few days perfecting these cookies.

Something Ain't Right

I have forgotten how needy Cecil can be. Now that there is no dog for him to compete with he will.not.leave.me alone.

And it's pissing me off.


AND WHY am allowing this cat to sleep on top of all of the pillows while I get a single decorative pillow?

His back rubs aren't even that good.

Cecil

There are some nights where my boy looks just like a kitten.

Breaking a sweat over here.

So flipping busy knitting and watching Breaking Bad. Left the house only once to purchase more seasons. One of those crazy days where I was too busy to eat. And it's all good.

Behold, my breakfast, lunch AND dinner. Blue cheese stuffed olives, havarti, sun dried tomatoes, adjvar and some other stuffs. This is about to become the greatest night of my life.

Ahhhh

Fall. How it makes me happy!

So many folks are SO pissy about the Fall. Not this girl! Nothing puts an extra swing in me than bringing out the sweaters, curling up and knitting and unapologetically eating everything I want. I am quite confident that I am half bear. By November I am a fat, hairy, lazy beast. And I fucking love it.

That being said, the new "rational" me will be a little more reasonable. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of shaving my armpits on a regular basis, however, I will set some goals to get out of the house in the winter.

In the true spirit of my obsessive list making I'll make a list of my "to do"s for the upcoming colder days.


1). Go tobogganing at least twice. Once with the girls and once with buds.

2). Run once a week. I'm not totally delusional, there's no bloody way I'll keep up with my current routine. But I don't want to totally lose the habit.

3). Go on a cheesy Christmas tour in a horse drawn wagon. I have only been twice and I just loved it.

4). Buy snowshoes and go. I remember going with my dad as a wee girl. I might hate it now....but I'm hoping I simply forgot how awesome it was.

5). Be fabulous

Yep. That's a solid list. The rest of my time will be devoted to knitting, Breaking Bad and cheese.

Best day EVER!

If it was opposite day, that is.

I have a tendency not to listen. It's just my thang. Thing is, it never serves me well. So, I suppose the happenings of yesterday should not have come as a surprise.

About 3 months ago I was told that I would need a root canal. Of course I took my usual approach of simply ignoring this and assuming the problem would go away.

Fast forward to yesterday when the massive abscess in my mouth prompted a fun 10am root canal. The good news is I learned something, when there is a really bad infection it's really difficult to be fully frozen. The bad news is that I had to have a goddamned root canal without full freezing.

Every time I have a near death experience like this the overwhelming self pity always leads me to full on, gloves off on line dating. The pillows I fashioned for myself to mimic the big spoon of a man just didn't cut it and let's face it, no child needs their
drugged up, sweaty,swollen and downright revolting Mom asking them to cuddle. *shudder*

I do this all the time. Every last boyfriend I have had is the byproduct of the flu or a spoiled sub. I think that in some way it's insurance that I don't have to suffer alone the next time my nose is stuffy or my colon explodes.


Man. I need a hobby.

Online dating? Yes please!

Ignoring my low impulse control, rash decision making skills and inability to think things through, I think most will agree that a good looking man with a great sense of humor is my greatest weakness. Unemployed and live with your parents and 12 DUI convictions? All can be forgiven if they laugh at my dead baby jokes. (kidding, dead baby jokes are SO 2005)

Which brings me to online dating.

Oh my word, have I been back and forth on this one. Being 35 and now officially at my sexual peak, as well as my fabulosity peak I have a pretty hard time resisting it. I have finally smartened up (if I were to ignore the fact that this is really not the best time for dating) and hidden my profile which now puts the onus totally on me.

You see, if you aren't a hump back with dreadful acne and a g tube AND you have a vagina you tend to be rather overwhelmed with emails from the most pathetically self deprecating to the tragically unaware. I specifically state NO COWBOY HATS yet received endless emails from boys wearing them....without a hint of irony.

I would like to share an email I once received from a gentleman whose physical hideousness not only gave me nightmares but might lead to future female sexual dysfunction.

This is an actual cut and paste

"y u womn not want me. make me sad cause i like and like for long times people say my spegeti sause is beater then the store's"

I reviewed this at length and did something I haven't done in years. I met him at a parking lot and he liked and liked me for hours. I keed, I keed....what I DID do was re write his email and returned it to him for review. Again, an actual cut in paste.

"Hi there. Just read (well, attempted to read) your email as well as your entire profile. Please forgive me as I am uncertain if perhaps English is your second language. If this is the case there are several places around town where you can receive instruction. I see from your profile that you are unemployed due to "govenmeant suxs y I dont vote". I assure you, these places can help you out in that area as well.

Now, I *think* this is what you wanted to email me.

"Why don't women want me? It makes me sad because I can lick and lick for a long time. People say that my spaghetti sauce is better than the stores!"........Is this correct? ok. So here is the thing. Woman don't want you because there is nothing more revolting than getting an email like this. I am not certain of your relationship history but I feel pretty confident when I say that women these days don't dig it. Also, put on a shirt for chrissakes. If you would like some help with your profile let me know and I'll be happy to help."

And finally, his response.

"chock on a log on my nasty shit bich"

Well, that was almost a sentence!

These are a few of my favourite things

I have been saving a few of my favourite texts I have received over the past few months. I will omit names to protect the guilty.

"I'm eating ribs in my underwear"

"Stop thinking with your pussy. You're worse than a man"

"I don't know about you but I think we need to bring back freak shows. There seem to be an awful lot of albinos in Newmarket"

"You have won the life lottery!"


"Dating sites should be for people who want to date. What is this, Fuck Me University?"

"Sorry Mom, but you have to tell me why you are forcing me to take worm medication or else I just won't do it"

"Cock piercings are always a deal breaker."

"Ummm we think u are one of our veeeery favorie ppl om this earth. And you will get through this shit patch. And when u do you will be stronger.... Also DO NOT LISTEN TO ANY ELLIOTT SMITH"

Bliss

Tonight was one of those rare treats where the kids have tomorrow off school. Off to grandmas for a sleepover they went, leaving me the house alone.

I love these nights. Just me, no plans. Sometimes it's lonely but on nights like these they are fucking amazing.

So, I move all of the furniture, plug in and dance in the dark like crazy. It's amazing and happy making.

Which brings us to the self sabotage part of the evening. In hindsight it's always the best part.

We see ourselves naked all the time from the front. I'm used to it. I'm at the point that I look at my naked body in the mirror and while I have a wealth of flaws (as determined by western culture), I can take it. I have seen worse, i have seen better. No biggie.

Obviously, since I was feeling pretty good, I decided that it was a good time to prop up my camera and take a full on naked shot of myself from behind. You know, the side you aren't that familiar with?

It was hideous. First of all I don't know why I insist on putting the camera on the floor looking up with the flash. Seriously, that angle would make Keira knightly look like a lardo.

This is not the first time I have done this and this time around it was equally soul crushing. It's that whole feeling of laughing, genuinely laughing at it while being equally horrified.

I know I'm finally maturing (a bit). Last time I pulled this shit I was on the horn with my BFF within 5 minutes, crying. This time I just said "fuck it", grabbed a pint of icecream and now I'm all curled up in bed with my new boyfriend, John Hamm for 4 episodes of Mad Men

Honest to Christ. This was, hands down, the BEST date I have been on in months.

UHm...what?

So last night I went out with some friends to a pub for a pint (maybe two). I was blissfully unaware that it was open mike night. Nuff said.

Let me first say that I was feeling pretty accomplished, having not been assaulted on my way to my car. Yay me! Perhaps this is why I felt so invincible when I had a hankering for some peanut butter cups and decided to stop at a pretty sketchy store.

As I approached the store I saw a "gentleman" and his dog. Perhaps I was feeling nostalgic over the recent loss of Abbie. Perhaps I still felt like Superman after surviving a walk in Victoria park without a mugging. In any event, I asked to pet the dog. Of course some chit chat ensued. How old was the dog? What breed? Name? I thanked the guy for letting me pet his dog and went inside.

I couldn't help but notice I was being given the stink eye by our very own Methadone poster child. I wasn't sure what to think of it so I very nicely smiled. As she leaves SHE INTENTIONALLY SHOULDER CHECKS ME! Speechless (and scared shitless) I pay and I then see why she was so outraged. Dude with the dog was clearly her main squeeze. I only gathered this because she was royally screaming at him.

Perhaps it was a lot of pent up anger, frustration at these past few months.....but I walked out of that store with my head held high with no intention of causing a problem, but fully preparing for a smack down. You see, years of living with two older sisters has prepared me well for the brutality of women and really, I likely suffered more concussions by my 18th than this broad has at the hands shitty boyfriends. Also, my mouth is my biggest downfall.

This was the exchange, to the very best of my recollection:

(I'll assume she had a stripper name like Amber or Carly or Crystal)

Crystal: you moving on my man?

Me: I don't know who your man is but I am pretty certain my answer is no.

Crystal: you think you're better than me?

Me: Right now I do.

Crystal: (this was all a blur. Mostly profanities)

Me: *blinkblink*

Crystal: Ok. Let's go!

Me: Where?

Crystal: fuck you, bitch.

Me: Ok, well I best be going.

Crystal: Yea THAT'S what I thought.

So I get in my car and discover an accusing text from my daughter, chastising me for being past my curfew by 5 minutes.

Life is so very odd sometimes.

In other news, this years Halloween party theme is slutty barnyard animals!

Awww. Abbie

Abbie moved back with her Dad. It was with a very heavy heart that I said goodbye.

It's a no brainer with kids when folks split. Both parties get them in one capacity or another and no matter how bad the split, you just have to eat a lot of shit, suck it up and make it work.

But you don't really have to with dogs. Sure, some people make it work but I just didn't have it in me in this round of assholeexhattery to put in that effort. God bless every.single.one of my friends who urged me at the time to make a clean break and eliminate every shred of relationship past for never uttering the dreaded words "I told you so" when it became unbearable having her here.

Alas, it's another transition. I worry about her. I worry that she won't be cared for, loved the way she was here. I worry that once she becomes a road block in the life of her owner that she too will be tossed aside.

Because isn't that what I did? She stopped being a part of the family that I loved and cared for and became a reminder of an extremely painful part of my life. I resented her.

It's hard for me to reconcile this in my mind because now that the dust has settled and my life is exactly where it was before she came into it.....well, fuck me, now I ask myself if I hate her Dad more than I loved her?

I have spent years dedicating myself to martyrdom and only now am I admitting this. Eating shit is fine when it's both parties trying....but when the line between being compassionate and being a total doormat is blurred, it becomes tricky. I couldn't keep her without feeling taken advantage of! Who has two thumbs and feels like a total shitbag? THIS GIRL. I just couldn't get past it.

What's done is done. Goodbye sweet Abbie. I wish I was a bigger person and that you could still be running around with your little pack. I miss seeing you wait at the window for the girls to arrive from school, I miss your dog hugs and your hilariously guilty face. I know that you likely have already forgotten about us all. I know that you will have a wonderful life.

I'll go out tonight and have a scotch in your name. I love you and I miss you.

Martin Kloon

I have been singing a stupid song all day. Martin Kloon, Martin Kloon to the tune of three blind mice...over and over again. I don't know WHERE this song came from or why google refuses to show any results but I am losing my mind.

Anyway....I have a teevee date with John Hamm, the handsomest man alive. *sigh* why can't all men these days wear fedoras?

Red wine, mouthgasims and language lessons.

Saturday September 15, 2012 is a day to remember. I don't even know where to begin or how to describe this meal. First let me say that I am SO disappointed in myself for not bringing a better camera to the restaurant. The memories are captured on a shitty iPhone camera.

But we feasted on oysters on the half shell, charcuterie, head cheese fritters, foie gras, duck confit ....don't get me started. All washed down with glorious red wine.

Then the cabbie taught us how to say I love you in Somalian. Sadly, I have already forgotten.

Ah mazing

Dear Young Bolt

I've decided to build a time machine (obviously) but not for the reasons you might think. Basically I really want to hunt down Neil Diamond as a young man and stalk the shit out of him until he submits and becomes my wife. My prototype is less than desirable being that it's made of a cornflake box and crayons but I remain cautiously optimistic that it'll all turn out.

Anyhoo..while pondering the past, and my imminent travel there, I decided to seek myself out as a 16 year old girl and give myself some advice.

Again, in no particular order:

Don't go to prom with your ex boyfriend. You won't get you guys back together, just separated by cops because your grumpy and drunk morons.

Go to your classes. You have your whole life ahead of you to get stoned with your friends.

Really value your friends. You will be surprised how important they are, even when you are old. Old friends are the best.

Go ahead and marry your high school sweetheart. It's a bad idea and he is going to royally fuck you sideways up the ass......but you will have your family out of the deal as well as a good relationship with him later on. Try not to despair over it for long. It'll all be grand eventually.

Dance. I know your self conscious about it but don't wait until you are 35 to discover how good it feels to dance alone. If you start now you'll freely dance with others by the time you are my age.

Don't be so jaded about love! I promise you that you will have your heart smashed more than once. At the end of the day don't let the heartbreaks prevent you from opening yourself up to it again, when the time is right.

Your life is going to be SO much different than you had intended it to be. Don't waste your time pining away for something that didn't happen. The alternative is lovely.


Don't let an untrained dog live with you. You will lose her in a breakup which will not only break your heart but leave you with an $1800.00 estimate to repair your floors.

Hone your home improvement skills and invest in good tools. You'll need it.

Stop trying to convince yourself that there is good in everyone. Even if this is the case chances are you'll never see it. Write them off and move on.

When getting a brazillian wax, if you think the wax feels a wee bit warm SPEAK UP. If you think the initial 2nd degree burn is bad just wait till you hit the shower later.

Establish boundaries. Stick to them. This will serve you well.

And last but not least.....don't wait until you're 28 to admit that you jerk off. You aren't fooling anyone.

Good luck, young Bolt. Try to take better care of our skin for us.

Another crazy weekend.

Tonight I'm off to a wee little club I used to frequent quite often in my younger years. It has been take over by horrible university students but the band is an older one so hopefully it keeps away the douches.

Tomorrow I'm off to TO for a birthday dinner for an old friend. It'll be nice to dress up for once.

One thing I am grateful for is that I stopped fearing the 401. The fear being gone, plus my new gps has opened up my little world a bit.

Everything is coming up Bolt.

50 Shades of Grey

For the sake if full disclosure I will admit that I have never read this book but 50 Shades can seriously suck it.

Some folks are outraged to see that misogynistic drivel has garnered so much attention. I'm just offended that this book is being treated like a goddamned revolution. Wake up, dumbasses. You want porn? BUY IT.

It's ok. Men have been doing it for years. You don't need a book that by MANY accounts is a piece of garbage. Now, us wimmins, from what I hear, are nice submissive creatures who like to read sex rather than see it. Our little brains can only take so much dirt. Fine. I get it. Thing is, there are deviants out there who have vaginas yet WANT to see the dirty stuff. Now, last time I checked it is 2012 which is why it baffles me that woman are STILL ashamed of their sexuality.


Nut up. You enjoy it and that's ok. I can't stress this enough. There's nothing wrong with having a vagina AND liking porn.

For the record, I am not trying to suggest that I am an enthusiast. I do not own a single pornographic image. But to all the folks out there, buying this crap because you think it's the only socially acceptable way you can get off without your husband? It isn't.

Now go get her, Tiger!

Camera Obscura and some b-b-b-beets.

Next time Aunt Helen tells me that Uncle Herb picked me some beets I'll be more prepared. When I hear *some* beets it suggests that there is a handful waiting for me and to please come with my children so she can see them. Not that there is, in fact, quite literally a WHEELBARROW full of these bastards.

So I have spent the better half of this evening drinking wine and actually dancing alone in my kitchen to my new fav, Camera Obscura, while pickling these little red glories to enjoy all winter.

Life can be a little heavy sometimes. Every once in a while you just gotta dance with the beets.

Cool stuff.

Is that a gun in your pocket?

Just started watching Mad Men which I have to say is the best flipping show ever. John Hamm is one handsome guy but WHO is this Christina Hendricks? Holy chick boner, Batman.

I'm gonna dye my hair red and buy out mod cloth, starting with the red polka dot bikini.

My life is complete

I just saw two fat kids, busy on cell phones collide and the a mini quake was felt by all.

Love always,

Jabba The Cunt

On breaking free and rebounds

Man. Breakups. They certainly are the worst for a wee little bit. I find the period of time where the rose colored glasses are removed and every single flaw you were warned about but ignored come forward to be the most puzzling if not totally infuriating. You are bombarded with endless break up cliches and you know they are true yet you still walk around in a self pitying phase.

While we all have that moment, that breaking point where the douchbaggary seals the deal and you are donezo and over him...I find it takes a little more time to get over the actual relationship itself. I second guess myself all the time and the major concern is how on earth did I manage to place the relationship bar so low? I am not talking about forgetting to lower the toilet seat. I am talking every major red flag that an 18 year old virgin would run away from! I'm a bright woman, I have a family and certainly don't lack self esteem.....so what was it?

After a breakup, people with half a brain take a good 6 months to a year to reflect. Drooling retards with no self esteem try to find a relationship right out the gate.

I don't fall into either of these categories but I simply can NOT resist a gorgeous man, a deep voice, broad shoulders and an infectious laugh. This brings me to the rebound.

We act like rebounds are bad. Why? If both parties are well aware of the history and intentions I think they both deserve a break.

This girl loves her butterflies, laughing till her belly hurts and promises of breakfast in a king sized bed.

I think the rebound is the perfect compromise.

But yes, I make terrible choices .

On loving, losing and how Christie got her groove back.

And just as quick as it was here it was gone.

I had lived years without it. I actually enjoyed it. The freedom, the absence of compromise. In retrospect it was quite liberating as its lack of presence allowed me to do what I wanted without the distraction.

But I opened my heart and allowed it back.

I'm glad I did. It opened me up to new experiences, helped me relax, distracted me from silly little things like the crumbling economy and allowed me to laugh and weep freely.

But that didn't stop the pain once it walked out the door.

And then it hit me, why am I allowing something so fundamentally replaceable cause me emotional pain?

So I caved and drove my sorry ass to Best Buy to get a new teevee for my room.

Cuddling up in front of the idiot box, how I have missed you.

More on happiness.

I could have lost my job today. My cat could have been killed by a fat kid on a bike.

And it would be ok because I found guiness cheddar, smoked mussels and cheese crusted sausage.

Imma gonna eat this all as the angels smile down on me!

What I have learned.

In no particular order:


1). I can't paint. I love it, I do it often but oh boy, it doesn't look good.

2). I am extremely capable. With everything. Shit gets done on my watch.

3) I have grossly underestimated my running abilities. After tracking my runs I realized that I'm just gonna skip the 5k run altogether and go for the 10k.

4). I am a shameless flirt.

5). This body is NOT meant for rollerblading.

6). I can't stick to a plan to save my life.

7). My kids are HILARIOUS. And not kid funny, like actual funny.

8). Losing 35 pounds wasn't that hard.

9). Losing 250 pounds was even easier.

10). Quitting smoking IS hard...one week down and a lifetime to go.

11). I'm loved.

The pessimist in me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things are almost "to good" right now.

The optimist in me is just enjoying the ride.

Goals-Part Deux

Ah goals. The constant reminders of my fickle nature.

Frankly, I don't know what I was thinking. No dating for a YEAR? I didn't last 2 weeks. Beehives?!?! Really? That idea is the worst, second only to my plans to build a chicken coup in my backyard.

Blogging every day. Well, so far I have managed, however, with family and life and courses and running and home renos....well, needless to say there are not enough minutes in the day.

I choose to look at this as a positive.

Goals can suck it.

Back to the pond.

The other day my kids were watching some shitty kids show. A commercial for eharmony came on. I realized that the online dating gig has come to realize that it's best to advertise during children's programming due to the high volume of lonely single parents out there with nothing better to do but watch shitty programming. I would like to think that I do not fall under that category. My youngest bellows out " YOU SHOULD JOIN" and after I locked her back in her cage I thought about it.

Now, I will never join eharmony after a rather unfortunate ego bruising I received several years ago when a 4'11 hobbit who I am fairly certain was walking around with an extra chromosome said HE wasn't interested in ME! Anyhoo, there are no shortages of cesspools out there to meet some
folks so I said to myself "Hey now, you are living in the now...DO IT!"

This isn't the first time in recent history I have done this but for whatever reason I bailed on it as fast as I joined.

I once knew someone who always tried (and failed) to get me out of my comfort zone. I always resisted as it was so, well, unnatural for me.

Not anymore says she! You know what? I AM going to go rollerblading with the ridiculously muscular meat stack who will likely be horrified with my total lack of grace and ability. I WILL go sailing with the 50 year old widower. Why? Because we have things in common, I'm opening myself up to new experiences, finally getting out of my comfort zone and meeting new friends to share these things with.


I only have one wee life and I intend on living it well.

And if I survive rollerblading I'll get us all pairs and force my kids to do it with me.

And maybe no on the sailing. Especially if his wife died in a sailing related "accident". I can only be so free spirited!

First day of school!

Isn't the first day of school always so magical?

All summer long we don't need to adhere to silly little bedtimes or appropriate snacks for our little darlings that are approved by the school board. Do you have any idea what a huge drag it is to not be late for work due to your little snowflake not being able to find a pair a socks that "feel right"?

Let's face it, my parenting skills take a major shit in the summer. I don't care when they get dressed. I don't have to drive all around the city to dance or gymnastics. Frankly, I don't give a rats ass if they don't eat breakfast! Are they breathing? Yep. Are they on fire? Nope. My job is done.

Now here we are, lunches to be made, constant demands for fund raising, ( Jesus, I don't want any fucking wrapping paper just take my money) wailing about lost shirts and calculators.

Back to school is awesome.......for me to POOP ON!

Happiness

I recently reconnected with an old friend from many years ago. Yesterday he made his way down from the big city to join me in a day of wandering.

First let me say that on our travels we stumbled upon a cured sausage COATED IN PARMESAN CHEESE and considering that cured meat and cheese top my list of favourite things, well, the day was off to a good start.

So, we had our sausage and began our frolic. Walking, driving, taking El Doggo to the river. All in all a lovely day.

Out of nowhere he poses the question "Are you happy?". Now this question came as a bit of a shock given we had spent the better half of 10 hours frolicking and laughing like idiots but he smiled and I knew that this was the time for the deep, philosophical portion of our time together!

We discussed the meaning of happiness and how we are able to reconcile the good and the bad and the downright ugly and move forward.

And of course the topic of my marriage came up

My divorce isn't something I dwell on but rather something I always refer to when the topic of moving forward and finding happiness again comes up. You see, it was by far my greatest learning experience.

That was the time where I lost everything. My home, my husband, any immediate plans for an education and a hell of a lot of money in legal fees. I thought I would die. I thought I was finished.

Hindsight is 20/20. I never lost myself. I always had my children.

What a Goddamned shame it would be to allow the failures to shape our lives rather than the lessons we learned from them. We can't go back in time and changed what happened. Running away to a happier time doesn't bring happiness, it's reflecting on our experiences and learning how to be better human beings that does. It's personal growth and the ability to recognize our weaknesses and take action and not allow ourselves to be stuck in a time that is no longer. How can we possibly be happy and subsequently succeed when we are still reaching for a branch that can not support our weight? Don't get me wrong, we have to go out on a limb from time to time, however, to be happy is the ability to laugh at the broken rib should the branch give way!

I don't have a lot and many could argue that my life is mediocre. I don't desire a life where I "have it all". I'm good with just a few pieces here and there. I have had my fair share of bumps and bruises but I can still genuinely laugh at the day. Things, money, people, they come and go as they please. It's the person I see in the mirror that will be my only guarantee in my life.

What it all came down to, three hours later after too many coffees at 4am, is that we need to be accepting of our pasts, that we need to be content with ourselves, right this moment because for all we know this could be it. We cant confuse this with complacency but we need to be just fine with our lives WHILE taking the steps to improve them. How can we ever achieve actual happiness without first settling into the comfort that is our being? That's the key. Right there.

And I am very happy.

Ps

I couldn't resist overturning a pail of potatoes. Not a lot but the perfect amount for two....ok, maybe three.

Frosh Week

My city is bustling with activity. This is the glorious time of year when all the students return to stake their claim. Underdressed girls and man children infiltrate every last corner of what is fun in the city.

In my defense, I believe I am suffering from PTSD from recently dating one of these folks (see goal 8 in a recent post).

Instead of fighting it I retreated to the safety of a friends house where we spent hours over boiling brine and a mountain of vegetables requiring preparation.

He did the math, long story short a lot of time was put in per jar. I don't care for the equation. I just know that it was a worthy labour of love.

Fall is just around the corner!

One of the problems with setting goals is that you actually need to work to achieve them! Even the little ones like blogging every day can be a challenge, especially heading into a busy weekend. So here I am, first thing in the morning, plugging away.

I find this time year, as we move into Fall to be sooo blissfully romantic as well as calming and peaceful. I have never viewed the dying back of the summer perennials to be a sad occasion but rather an opportunity to clear them out and get ready for the new ones of next year. Perhaps a metaphor for my life, a constant changing of the seasons, not to be considered as an end, but as an opportunity to realize what I want, what I need and most importantly what makes me happy.

I look forward to digging out my peonies and replanting them because the first time around I was in such a hurry that I planted them carelessly, only to find that they have never bloomed.

I have FINALLY realized that there is simply no hope for a veggie garden down the side of my yard. Not enough sun, as simple as that. Not sure why I have spent 5 years fighting something I simply have no control over. I simply need to replace the failed cucumbers and peppers with grapes and daisies. Things I love and that I know will flourish.

I realize that my interests are considered pedestrian at best by most. I imagine the most sophisticated scholar and worldly traveller would look down on my little life here. Thing is, I consider myself so incredibly fortunate that I am not driven by money, the need to run away to every
Country or worse, driven by a career. Don't get me wrong, I plan to travel, modestly climb the corporate rungs but I'm not foolish enough to think that this is what will bring me peace and satisfaction.

It's playing in the dirt, a skill I mastered when I was 5.

It's clearing out the old messes and failures of this seasons garden. Digging out and enjoying the very successful potatoes and cabbages and most of all making way for a new and beautiful garden that I will no doubt be absolutely tickled about, after a long, cold and seemingly endless winter.

This is what it's all about.

Saying goodbye.

I have been extremely fortunate in my life so far, having experienced very little loss. Sure I have had my wee ripples but nothing that amounts to more than a blip on my radar once the dust settled.

I do question whether or not this has been beneficial.

For 15 years the only single constant in my life is my orange SOB, Cecil. Cecil came into my life out of nowhere and while he has caused his fair share of grief (not to mention expensive vet bills) I can honestly say that he has been one of my greatest decisions. He has been there each time a new baby was born, put a hole in my wedding dress an hour before the service and stood firmly at my side while I sobbed at the end of my marriage. He has lived everywhere I have in my adult life and has made himself more a part of the family than just "the cat".

But he's old. And decisions have to be made. Today we had another quick trip to the vet and I had prepared the kids for the possibility that he would not be returning. You see, while I am a huge proponent for euthanasia I simply don't know WHEN the time is right. We know he's becoming senile, we know he's arthritic and we know he's old....but is HE ok with that? Some new medication, some new food has bought him another 2 months. At that point, as the vet gently said, we will have to look at the other unfortunate option.

Until then I will enjoy him. Forgive his need to dump over my drinks and to eat my food when I am not looking, and to always give him a pet as he sleeps on my cabbages that simply do not stand a chance.

Goals

It's good to have goals, says Captain Obvious.

Here are my goals, for my 36th year, in no particular order:

1. Blog every day. No one reads this and I could likely include a full on box shot, but I enjoy it, so there.

2. Quit smoking for realzies. My mom just lost one of her oldest friends to lung cancer. How many more hints do I need?---hmmm...I wonder if Dan still give me $100 to quit.....

3. Register for a 5k. Actually, this is in the works so I am not sure I should even include it.

4. Spend 2 weeks in another country ( again-already in the works)

5. Train for a 25k. A tall order but I have all year.

6. Drop 5k of debt.

7. Start keeping bees. This one might be the biggest challenge. It ain't easy finding second hand bee hives.

8. I will not date anyone who is still breast feeding. Actually, NO dating. This is MY year.

9. Be fabulous. Well, I already am but it's good to have a head start!

Hmmm

It's funny. We go through rather sullen periods where for whatever reason we force ourselves to be happy. We can kid ourselves into thinking that our current project or outing with the family is fun, only to return home, feeling empty and sad when we take off that feeble excuse for a mask.

Then, out of absolutely nowhere you find yourself smiling at the mounting yardwork, genuinely laughing at the randomness of the day, and making plans again.

And the very best part is that you can't even find that silly mask you were hiding behind.

I gotta say that it doesn't hurt living with little people who make homemade slingshots and fire at close range. Worry not, the swimming goggles will protect all! Haha

And the Mother of the Year Award goes to me once again!

When I was a wee girl rules were rather simple.  Be home when the street lights came on, don't do drugs and don't talk to strangers.  Easy peasy.

These days it's a little more complicated.  Or not, if you are an attentive parent.

I don't love the idea of my 8 year old having an email account. I myself just recently bought an iPhone so clearly I about as challenged as they come. That being said, when said 8 year old asks to play with my phone so that she can Pop the Frog (a game I myself have become quite addicted to) I think nothing of it. Little did I know the little imp decided to use her time to EMAIL MY EXBOYFRIEND!

Let me just say that while I'm impressed that it took her about 5 minutes to figure out something that took me a week I am still a little bit concerned.

It's kinda crazy that I had to add, to the list of rules....don't email random men. Eeesh.

Then she gave me this gift with instructions to wear the flower behind my ear which I have done so proudly.


L

The last night.

Just sitting here on the deck overlooking the lake, listening to Roy Orbison and playing word games on my phone.

The s'mores have been eaten, the girls tucked in and the campfire is out.


This has got to be the best feeling in the world.

To Whom it May Concern,

Can the world PLEASE stop making tragic, painfully stupid movies for children that make me wish death on the hero?!

For example, my kids are currently watching Alvin and the Chipmunks- The Squeakuak.  Believe it or not, I actually took them to movies and spent about $80.00 to see one of the biggest pieces of shit in cinematic history.


Less total bullshit and more Spiderwick.


Your friend,


Christie

Self reflection

Recently I was forced into a rather unexpected time of self reflection.  A series of events unfolded rather dramatically before my eyes sending me into a quite a turmoil.  No, I am not referring to a recent breakup (though I must say his timing was impeccable!) but rather an accidental meeting.

Anyhoo....here I am, once again reevaluating what my next step is in this crazy little world I was dropped into without my permission.

The funny thing about emotional turmoil is how amusingly emotional it is!  I consider myself a fairly reasonable person (unless of course I lose a pencil-that's when I lose my shit) but for the big stuff, man, can I ever turn into one narcissistic moron!  Obviously *I* am the only person who has suffered and no one out there has ever had it as badly as I do.  Let's keep in mind that I have wonderful children, wonderful friends, my own home and I'm gainfully employed AND my tits are still fucking awesome!  So this leads me to ponder why on Earth I would let little hiccups down the road throw me into a tailspin!

About a year and a half ago, after meeting someone who I honestly thought at the time was "the one" I decided to start a fund to support a most fabulous vacation as a grand surprise for him.  (that's right, Bitches, I am an awesome girlfriend!.....if not clearly a sucker!).

That didn't work out, other shit happened, yadda yadda ,  which made me start really asking myself why I am so dissatisfied.  And it occurred to me , with a lot of help, that I have spent the better half of my life working to make someone else happy, putting my life on hold for the sake of someone else.  This is a good idea in theory, however, it simply doesn't work when the effort it put forth on someone who is simply incapable of returning the favor.    

So here I was, lamenting my poor relationship choices, the fact that I never went to university, the fact that I never travelle.........wait a minute!  I have that magical vacation fund!!!

So guess who is clearing that fund out and taking her sorry ass to Thailand for weeks over Christmas?

MEEEEEEEE!!!!!

I can't think of a single soul out there more deserving of my generosity!

sigh

Ever have one of "those dates"?   Not the shitty kind , but the REALLY good kind?

I don't want to admit to being a romantic and I sure as shit shouldn't be going on any dates right now.


But my word, do I ever love the butterflies!



Anywho......off to wash blue paint off of my dumb dog who clearly can't read WET PAINT signs.

Check it.

Ontario peach pie, crust is made with all organic and fair trade ingredients (if you overlook the salt).   This pie is fabulous. 

I am feeling SO morally superior right about now.  


Off to wipe the smug smile off my face!

DAIKON!

One of my many attempts at reducing my carbon footprint is joining a CSA.     Just as I was getting a wee bit tired of last years beets July smacks me in the face with awesome new things. 

I grabbed a diakon today thinking it was more of a taro.  One can't imagine my despair when I learned that it was just a big fucking RADISH.   I will eat modest slivers of radish in a salad but that's it.  Blech. 

Instead of giving it cut eye all evening I tackled the interwebz looking for a magical recipe and it did not disappoint. 

A diakon cake sounds reasonable, yes?

The first batch ended in disaster when my soon-to-be-but-not-quite-there-yet perfect dog decided to eat it all which of course resulted in a call to the emergency vet and the most ungodly evening emissions.

But the end result was ah-MAZing.   Crappy picture and in no way does it justice.

You Say It's Your Birthday!

It's Abbie the Terrible's 5th birthday. 



The family giving birthday hugs

In light of all of the complete garbage she has eaten lately including an ENTIRE box of FROZEN chevap I figured it couldn't hurt to give her a real cupcake.   I should mention that this dog is rather portly, so let's just say this was the very last treat this dog is getting!  
But here she is, waiting SO patiently for her cupcake.

This is one happy making dog. 

Back to Bark

Becoming a parent, while obviously a learning curve, came with months of preparation.   You could plan for the next month even.  By the time you popped out that kid you were a flipping expert.


It isn't really the same with dogs.


I've had about a week to figure out how I was going to manage this dog.   She's pretty bad and I have been defending her way too long.  She counter surfs,  chews shoes, drags garbage INTO MY BED, barks and pees EVERYWHERE when she's excited.  So, I have decided to dedicate my life to making this the greatest dog in the world.  

I think her greatest challenge will be that she's totally and completely neurotic.  Neurotic and dumb. ...with an estrogen problem that causes her to periodically pee my bed.


BUT SHE'S HOME!!!!

I tried to get a picture of us but she attacked me instead.

I can think of someone NOT happy about this reunion.

So I tried to even things out.

captcha=Breeder. Not a fan.

It's been a lifetime since I have posted anything new. Life gets super busy, and writing shit down and listening to music from time to time was just pushed aside.

Anyhoo.....imagine a yellow school bus, full of 12 year old kids. Now, imagine listening to them yell and fuss while you already feel a pounding headache caused by only getting about an hour of sleep the night before. Knowing that you STILL have another hour and 45 to go.

  Now imagine a faint smell, and then sudden cold silence as every single person on the bus realizes the same thing at the same time.

That kid with a brush cut just totally hurled all over the place.

Imagine the moment that unmistakeble stench of vomit hits you like Chris Brown on a bad date.....you know what's coming, complete chaos.

  The screaming kids, the dodging of vomit as it rolled towards our feet. The confusion, the despair of knowing that you have such a long way to go before you can get out.


Now I know EXACTLY what Vietnam was like.