Dear Young Bolt

I've decided to build a time machine (obviously) but not for the reasons you might think. Basically I really want to hunt down Neil Diamond as a young man and stalk the shit out of him until he submits and becomes my wife. My prototype is less than desirable being that it's made of a cornflake box and crayons but I remain cautiously optimistic that it'll all turn out.

Anyhoo..while pondering the past, and my imminent travel there, I decided to seek myself out as a 16 year old girl and give myself some advice.

Again, in no particular order:

Don't go to prom with your ex boyfriend. You won't get you guys back together, just separated by cops because your grumpy and drunk morons.

Go to your classes. You have your whole life ahead of you to get stoned with your friends.

Really value your friends. You will be surprised how important they are, even when you are old. Old friends are the best.

Go ahead and marry your high school sweetheart. It's a bad idea and he is going to royally fuck you sideways up the ass......but you will have your family out of the deal as well as a good relationship with him later on. Try not to despair over it for long. It'll all be grand eventually.

Dance. I know your self conscious about it but don't wait until you are 35 to discover how good it feels to dance alone. If you start now you'll freely dance with others by the time you are my age.

Don't be so jaded about love! I promise you that you will have your heart smashed more than once. At the end of the day don't let the heartbreaks prevent you from opening yourself up to it again, when the time is right.

Your life is going to be SO much different than you had intended it to be. Don't waste your time pining away for something that didn't happen. The alternative is lovely.


Don't let an untrained dog live with you. You will lose her in a breakup which will not only break your heart but leave you with an $1800.00 estimate to repair your floors.

Hone your home improvement skills and invest in good tools. You'll need it.

Stop trying to convince yourself that there is good in everyone. Even if this is the case chances are you'll never see it. Write them off and move on.

When getting a brazillian wax, if you think the wax feels a wee bit warm SPEAK UP. If you think the initial 2nd degree burn is bad just wait till you hit the shower later.

Establish boundaries. Stick to them. This will serve you well.

And last but not least.....don't wait until you're 28 to admit that you jerk off. You aren't fooling anyone.

Good luck, young Bolt. Try to take better care of our skin for us.