Online dating? Yes please!

Ignoring my low impulse control, rash decision making skills and inability to think things through, I think most will agree that a good looking man with a great sense of humor is my greatest weakness. Unemployed and live with your parents and 12 DUI convictions? All can be forgiven if they laugh at my dead baby jokes. (kidding, dead baby jokes are SO 2005)

Which brings me to online dating.

Oh my word, have I been back and forth on this one. Being 35 and now officially at my sexual peak, as well as my fabulosity peak I have a pretty hard time resisting it. I have finally smartened up (if I were to ignore the fact that this is really not the best time for dating) and hidden my profile which now puts the onus totally on me.

You see, if you aren't a hump back with dreadful acne and a g tube AND you have a vagina you tend to be rather overwhelmed with emails from the most pathetically self deprecating to the tragically unaware. I specifically state NO COWBOY HATS yet received endless emails from boys wearing them....without a hint of irony.

I would like to share an email I once received from a gentleman whose physical hideousness not only gave me nightmares but might lead to future female sexual dysfunction.

This is an actual cut and paste

"y u womn not want me. make me sad cause i like and like for long times people say my spegeti sause is beater then the store's"

I reviewed this at length and did something I haven't done in years. I met him at a parking lot and he liked and liked me for hours. I keed, I keed....what I DID do was re write his email and returned it to him for review. Again, an actual cut in paste.

"Hi there. Just read (well, attempted to read) your email as well as your entire profile. Please forgive me as I am uncertain if perhaps English is your second language. If this is the case there are several places around town where you can receive instruction. I see from your profile that you are unemployed due to "govenmeant suxs y I dont vote". I assure you, these places can help you out in that area as well.

Now, I *think* this is what you wanted to email me.

"Why don't women want me? It makes me sad because I can lick and lick for a long time. People say that my spaghetti sauce is better than the stores!"........Is this correct? ok. So here is the thing. Woman don't want you because there is nothing more revolting than getting an email like this. I am not certain of your relationship history but I feel pretty confident when I say that women these days don't dig it. Also, put on a shirt for chrissakes. If you would like some help with your profile let me know and I'll be happy to help."

And finally, his response.

"chock on a log on my nasty shit bich"

Well, that was almost a sentence!