Thursday, November 6, 2014

I'm just gonna leave this here.

I know it's cliche but seriously, letting go of bullshit and reservations and just getting to it might be just about the bestest, most radest thing on the planet.

Seriously.

It works out.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Back at it.

Ok.  I'm a few weeks ahead of schedule but I simply couldn't take it any longer.   I feared the longer I was offskates the greater the chance that I would never return.

So, some new gaskets for my knees, repaired toe stops and a greater awareness of my new wheels and off I went.

AND IT WAS AWESOME!

Two months off and I managed to gain a lap AND skate a full lap from a full stop in 11 seconds.


Everything is coming up Christie!


Now, if I can only learn to knit socks my life will be complete.





Wednesday, August 27, 2014

There is ALWAYS an upside.

Thank Jesus for Netflix marathons during times like these.


It's a real pleasure sitting on the couch with these guys.




Only four more weeks!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

All the sad feelzz



Ah boy.


I should have known that my sprain was worse than I led myself to believe.  I have been offskates now for 5 weeks.  A meniscus tear equals another 6 weeks off skates and no gardening..  Instead of taking this time to  foster relationships, read and give myself pedicures I have decided to make paper beads.  Which is great on account of the fact that I have absolutely NO use for the million paper beads I have made.  Sure my house reaks of polyeurathan and I'm pretty sure the kids are now addicted to solvants but hey, my hands are busy AND I made this amazing bead drying rack out of garbage I found in my shed.  I'm so clever!





So obviously I'm losing it.


Yeah, less bead making and more fostering relationships, pedicures, reading and filling my derby time with something equally rad.  


But jesus...do I ever miss my skates.  And fuck me...I was so goddamned close.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Sweet, sweet vacation

I knew that new wheels + loosened trucks could potentially mean trouble.   I shouldn't have been surprised that the end result was xrays.

The good news is that nothing was broken and that this facilitated a diagnosis of a minor concussion sustained the week before.   The bad news is that if the swelling doesn't go down I will have to have my knee drained...which is pretty much the creepiest thing I have ever heard.  

Anyway...this has put a bit of a wrinkle in my holiday plans as I had earmarked this week as a working holiday.  Many things I have neglected due to my new "don't give a shit about the little things" attitude.   My yard is baaaad...like I'm surprised they haven't called the city on me.   Long story short,  I have done exactly nothing but receive breakfast in bed and plow through The Mindy Project.  Tis only Tuesday, afterall.  Still have many days to catch up.  Until then I'm leaving it to the paid professionals.



And then?   Saturday?  MUSKOKA!!!! 

A glorious week away from it all.  Where a mere 30 feet separates me  from the deck and the lake.   Muskoka is my most bestest favouritist place to go.  Ever.  For realzies.   Quiet.  Lake.  Chocolate for breakfast.  Reading.  And most importantly....relaxing and recharging.


I might just explode.

The only downside of course is that I'm missing out on two weeks of training and a week of practice though I wont miss being forced to be a jammer, hammering her way between 5 vets who barely feel the hits.  I'm kinda hoping that next week I am bitten by a radioactive spider, allowing me to acquire super strength.

But I'm not optimistic.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

*scowl*

This is kind of what Wednesday night league practices are like for me..






Anyhoo...I'm off tonight as I managed to smash my head into the rink on Monday's practice.  So I'm dealing with some mobility issues with my neck and I'm eating Advil.   I'm pissy and moody and sore and DERBY IS THE WORST!!ELEVENTY!!.  Naturally I've decided to bail on minimums testing again.  I want another FreshMeat session.  I am not prepared for the full league.

 
It's scary.
It's hurty.
It takes time away from my family.
It takes time away from my friends.
It makes long term dating almost impossible.  

And bruises like this make a 9 to 5 desk job VERY uncomfortable



I think that if I were younger and had a lot less going on I could manage.  But league means even more of a time commitment.   I don't know if I can/want to make that much more of a commitment.


*sigh*

On the other hand...


It makes my heart happy.
It clears my brain.
It sometimes makes me proud of myself.
I really enjoy the folks I practice with.
I really really love that feeling of FINALLY figuring out a skill.
I car Karaoke the entire ride home.
It might be the one of the best things I have done just for myself just because I could.


GAHHHH!!!!!!   Where is my life coach?!!?!?

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Oh those glorious wins.

Ok.  Failing minimums is not exactly a win.   But it was for me.

This is the test.

http://wftda.com/resources/wftda-minimum-skill-requirements.pdf

Now, the 27 laps in 5 minutes is for Charter so us Freshmeat are only expected to get 25.

The first round of Freshmeat I passed all derby skills like pack work, hits, jumps which was pretty rad.....but I may have blown every skating skill (remember, I had never worn skates before)

This time?   The only things holding me back were 1.5 laps (bout 288 feet) , some sharking and those goddamned pylons I had to weave through.  My tstops also suck balls but I just got the feel of them and that certainly didn't break me.

AND THAT'S SO FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!!!!

My only goal this time was to finish and to improve.  Not only did I finish I shattered all of my expectations.  Not only that, the trainers have told me to challenge these minimums in a month as they are certain I can pass.

So yeah, I pretty much died of the happy and the feels.



Sunday, June 1, 2014

That was fun

The other day I did four things.

1). Relinquished custody of my children
2). Got a realitor
3). Cleared out some shares
4). Vigorously looked for a kibbutz to join.


And I meant business.

Aaaaaaannd now I don't.


The good news is that my ex husband is a rock star and was overwhelmingly supportive, encouraging and sympathetic.

The bad news is that I now have a really pushy real estate agent I need to get rid of as well as really puffy eyes and a bad headache.

I don't think that kind of reaction, while certainly a long time coming, is in anyway shape or form a reasonable reaction to anything but maaaybe a Zombie Apocalypse.   And it's pretty much the shittiest feeling in the world.  Afterall, losing all hope, even if for only a day or two guts ya.


That was a really aggressive reminder that I NEED  to start taking care of myself, always.


What better way to start back on the path of happiness then to make sure I see my doctor asap complete The 30 Days of Bad Decisions challenge.   My life path is not empty and meaningless.  My life path is TO COMPLETE THIS MAGICAL CHALLENGE and document it.



Finally, out of nowhere....purpose.  





Thursday, May 29, 2014

The perils of overthinking in the derby world.

So last night was my first, full on regular league practice.


um




There were a few times where I actually thought the evening was going to end in me in the back of an ambulance.   For realz.


I PROMISE I am not being all "waaaaa....I suck....blah blah blah"   But the moment I have three highly skilled derby vets stampeding towards me with a blood thirsty glare you can bet your ass that I'm skating the fuck away as fast as my untrained feet will take me.  Unfortunately, for the purpose of that particular drill, my objective as the blocker was to block and most certainly NOT to run away.  But seriously folks, running away like a cowardly child was the only intelligent choice when put head to head with the only other option of a broken collar bone.  Of course, running away just isn't enough.  I also had to yelp and then belly flop on the floor.

I just want to stay in the corner and practice transitions.

Easy peasy. I'm gonna do it like I have been told repeatedly.

Step one, lead with foot.  Step Two, spread eagle with other and switch directions.  Step Three, gracefully land with starting foot.  Step Four, finish off with a beautiful tomahawk.  

Annnnd GO!  

Attempt #1

Step One-lead with foot.  Step Two, spread ea....gah....this feels weird.  Step Three-fall on your knees.  Step Four- be told you are over thinking the process.  Again.

OK.  I think I have this this time.

Attempt #2

Step One-lead with foot
Step Two-Spread eagle zomigodz I did it I DID IT!!!!  ACK!  What's next?!
Step Three-fall on tail bone.
Step Four-have another vet tell me I'm over thinking.


Time to take another approach.  Close my eyes and go for it.

Attempt #3

Step One Two Three Four.    Give er.

Step 5.  Fall badly.  Pretend it didn't hurt.

Attempt #4#5#6#7 etc etc

Fall fall fall

Attempt #40 and on....

Got it.  Finally.

Back to the pack.

Elbowed, punched in the kidneys.  Trampled.  What are the rules again?!   Transitioning on your own is one thing, transitioning while going full speed is a whole other ball of wax.  Down I went, 6 derby girls on top of me.

Over thinking every move.

And then it hit me.  I have nothing to live for!     When I reflect and when I really break things down I realize that not only have I based my life on  humiliating myself  I have no real skill set or qualities that make me an important part of this world.   I am totally disposable!  In fact, if I were to die in a freak, derby related accident that's actually the best case scenario!  I die happy AND my kids get an insurance pay out.......so what am I worried about?!?!


I just need to go for it!   This is one of those times where the worse case scenario is actually the best case scenario.    I think I have finally won this round.


Now if I can remember to keep my tits to the track I might hit my 25 in 5.









Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Oh yeah

There is nothing I love more than cooking for myself.   It seems to have been forever since I spent some time in the kitchen, listening to music and focusing just on cooking.  No rush.

No- "I don't likes"

No -"when is dinner going to be ready"

No- " well you should really try this"


Just me.  Listening to music, singing along.  Pretty much the best ever.


I rifled around my fridge and sadly there were no 3 pound tbone steaks but there WAS a fist full of glorious asparagus and as we ALL know the only universal truth is that asparagus is the greatest vegetable in the world.   In season Ontario asparagus?!  I died.


I happened upon this recipe.  Now, I am a HUGE fan of creamed spinach on French toast so I knew I was in for it.   So bloody simple and plain but just about the most magnificent thing I have ever tasted IN MY LIFE!  And everyone knows how much I hate exaggerating.






I pretty much came in my own mouth.

And the next time I make it there will be freshly grated parm and crisped up prosciutto....and then I will die.






WHYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!

Why have I waited 36 years to discover the glory that is folk and blues.

I just can't even go on.   It's just sooo good.  I can't get enough.




So yeah, I think I need to buy a guitar and learn this shit.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Some wars were never meant to be won.

I don't know why I have bothered fighting this one.  I don't know why it has been so goddamned important especially since I don't even know what winning LOOKS like.

Yet here I am, in the middle of the same ugly fight I have been having for way too long.

My goddamned hair.


It's a fucking curse and if one.more.person says they are envious of it I swear to god I'm punching them in the throat.

It's thick.  There's a lot of it.  It grows like crazy.   It's boring.

I see folks run around with their flawless locks, bouncing, short, long, purple, brunette.  Updo, or carelessly at their side.  What I'm trying to say is that every single person in the world had the nicest hair ever but me. I want CUTE hair.  I don't want boring.  I want colour and fun and clips and all!

Ok.  I'm doing it.  I'm going all radical this time. THIS TIME will be different.  THIS TIME the girl is going wild.

In retrospect my first mistake was not being communicative enough with my 19 year old stylist.  She was kind and nice and  a-fucking-DORABLE.  So so sweet and I absolutely will see her again.  A real pleasure.  But when a 19 year old sees me they see an old lady, who, when asking for something fun, ends up getting the lamest highlights and lame cut that EVERY SINGLE BORED HOUSEWIFE gets when THEY want something "radical".  She doesn't see the super hip and cool Jimmy Kimmel mega fan that I really am.

Anyhoo.....as someone who now looks like bored housewife I'm cursing my life.  IT'S THE WORST.

Unfortunately, because I kind of am a bored housewife I also lack an additional $200.00 to get the actual radical fun haircut/colour I so desire.

So what's a super amazing broad to do?   Well, she googles "cute ways to wear bandanas to cover bad hair cut"

And sure, it looks cute.  I also now look like a 36 year old woman posing as a hipster and/or 10th grade high school student.  I don't care as it's the lessor of the two evils.  And I have given up.

This battle is futile.  

I'm exhausted.

The hair wins.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

What does it all mean?

Sometimes I have a heavy heart.

Why are people cruel to each other?

War.  What gives?

What is my purpose?

Why do I like HawthoRNe?


And just as my head is about to explode with Existentialist musings I am introduced to something so incredible, so inspiring, so...so......Christoph Waltz dressed as a hamster....... well, I realize, it just doesn't matter.

Nothing matters.  It just is.  It's glorious.  It's wonderful.   It's Kevin Spacey as Piano Cat.  

 I will never unsee this magnificent masterpiece.   And my life is complete.





Friday, May 23, 2014

Oh man.

I'm going to make every effort to totally meltdown at least 4 times a year.


Yesterday it all came to a head and I spent the better part of the evening a'sobbing away.   I soon realized that I wasn't even upset anymore.  I just needed that crazy release.  I reached out to everyone on my short list of people who have really seen me mental and got the reassurance I so needed.

Cathartic.

To be fair to myself, I haven't been able to work out at.all. since my foot injury and there has been no where for the negative energy to go.  Crying seems the natural alternative.   When I started crying during "Sexy and I Know It" it occurred to me that I might be dealing with a sliiiiiight monthly hormonal surge that has been plaguing me since I was 13.  The constant slamming of my teenaged daughters door provided further evidence that my problem might be driven more by physiology and not Daddy Issues.

Ignoring all rationalisation I managed to get myself home,  bid a final farewell to the lovely Mr. M (who, objectively speaking, is waaaay too good for me :o)  ) go on the most pitiful half run/half limp, eat a LOT of ice cream and down a bottle of wine  savour a wee sniff of vino.

Anyhoo....to reward myself for my self serving I am fleeing the city for the evening but not before shelling out an arm and a leg for a new haircut and colour.

ABOVE AND BEYOND!!!

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Kale. The soul destroyer.

It was all very innocent enough.

About three months ago my Mom told me that my Dad bought me Kale seeds.  A small red variety.  I was of course over the moon.  And antsy!   So I'd see my Dad here and there.  No kale seeds.  Ok.  Maybe he's going to pot it for me!  How thoughtful!!!  What a wonderful gesture!

No seeds.


The past few days have been a lot.  This time of year can chaotic and  seeing as it's only me around these parts keeping it together, well, it sometimes seems like an insurmountable burden.  Humans seek comfort.  It's what we do.  It's normal.  I'm normal.  I need an ear.  I need a sympathetic shoulder.  Need some comfort.  What's NOT normal is to seek comfort in someone who genuinely dislikes me.  Now, this is going to sound like a "boo hoo poor me" vent.  It isn't.  I'm 36 years old.  My Dad doesn't like me.  And that is ok.  Not everyone is going to like me, afterall, I'm not always the easiest person to like.
 
 But he must like me, he BOUGHT ME KALE SEEDS!!!   He likes me.  He really likes me!


Anyhoo...sometimes we need Dad.  Dad's buy kids ice cream when they are down.   They see that they are feeling totally unappreciated because they ARE totally unappreciated.  They give pearls of wisdom, really driving home how awesome you are.    They rub their kids heads and say things like "You've got this!"  "I'm proud of you!"    Convinced this time would be different and I would indeed be the recipient of words of encouragement and high caloric treats,  off I went. 

After sitting in uncomfortable silence, watching my Dad watch TV I decided that it was all a wash and that I would just go ahead and beg him to come see a derby bout.  Prepared for the argument as he full well told me he would NEVER go see a bout I geared up.  And then something caught my eye.

The package of red kale seeds.


All of a sudden I was placated.  And ashamed.  How could I behave so ungratefully?    I KNEW this gift was coming but I was bratty and greedy.  I also know how shy my Dad can be, so  I sheepishly asked if I could have some seeds.  This would surely jog his memory that he in fact bought them for me.  Hurrah!  What a clever little manipulator I am!

  "You'll have to ask your Mother.  They're hers"


I totally lied.  This is TOTALLY a boo hoo FML post.    Except it's evolved into a "I'm really fucking pissed off" post.


I bawled all the way home like the kid does BEFORE they get the motherfucking ice cream.  I bawled and bawled cause sometimes it's just nice to feel like you are worth something.  Yeah, yeah yeah,  we are all in charge of our own happiness but sometimes, especially when you feel utterly lost, it's ok  to need to feel valued, by anyone.  And you know what?  Your  Dad is a good start. .  Once.  Just once.  Tell me that I'm doing an ok job and I haven't ruined my life.   Tell me it'll get easier.  Tell me it's ok.  Tell me I'm doing a good job and that you are proud of me.    Be a fucking father..  I didn't ask to be here, the least a guy can do is fake it.

  
So I went home and gardened.   Committed to a freeze out.  Like a petulant child I'M NEVER TALKING TO HIM AGAIN.  


Sigh...but this is not true.  


And I'll buy my own fucking red kale seeds.


And god help me if I ever make my own kids feel this way.


The End.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Gardens, personal injury and allowing help.

I'm just gonna go ahead and say that this long weekend was one of the best I've seen in a long time.

The weather was SO nice.  I was SO free of commitments yet I managed to pack a ton into the days.  I suffered a tragic gardening accident, a sad reminder that my Mom is always right and I shouldn't garden in flip flops.  There is always a 100 year old steel rake just waiting to be stepped on.    Once I seek the required medical attention and get a tetanus shot all will be well AND I was forced to accept some help with the garden so all around people were happy.




And right now I'm capping it all off, typing outdoors on my deck with a bottle of beer, waiting for dinner to be prepared and brought to me.  Pretty much the best.

Amazing

My garden is coming along like craaaaazy.  My only real regret is that I don't have an awesome camera to get really good pictures.

So here is the large front bed.   There are three huge hostas coming up so that one is fairly maintenance free.   A little weeding here and there but nature just kinda takes it's course.   My original plan was to let the Veronica spread over the stones but now I'm thinking that I really like how it simply edges the bed.  So I think I will plant lots of thyme to fill in the gaps.




This little area is the butterfly garden.  I lost my butterfly bush over the winter so I replaced it with a lupin.  I am yet to successfully grow lupin.  Not because of dogs or bugs but because for some horrible reason I always step on it and destroy it.   More is popping up so I'm pretty giddy about that!   That said, I'm trying really hard to to fret about the ability of the phlox to grow over the mountain of mulch.  Deep breath...doesn't have to be perfect.   My area is terrible for pollinators so it's so awesome to see all of the bees and butterflies in the summer.

The middle here was an afterthought of last year and expanded quite a bit.  I decided to plop some potted geraniums and trailing verbena in the middle of it.  Potted plants always look so sad in the beginning.  Assuming I actually remember to water them they should look quite lovely.  The border of the driveway I just try to avoid looking at.  Not sure why I thought planting garlic was a good idea.  I just want to till the whole area and week, alas, can't until early July when the garlic is harvested.   Also depends if the gangrene takes over.  Hard to do this with one foot.





This is just a wee little bed at the front.  I'm amazed I didn't totally fuck up transplanting peonies. They even have little flowers waiting to bloom.  I also planted some marigolds I planted from seed.  I would like to see what colours they are.  Tres exciting.


Here is the entrance way to the backyard.  I almost lost my shit when I realized that the clematis I planted last year wasn't the same.  Not the same colour or timing of blooms.  So I yanked em out and instead morning glories will take their place.  I also hate the stones so I have been slowly taking them out, to be replaced with a stonecrop.



And finally my veggie garden.



I love how clean and neat it all is.   Don't get me wrong, it'll be a crazy mess in about a month.  But I love how everything is in it's place.

I also bought this hot pepper plant.  Any vegetable that has warnings on the tag is alright in my books!





All should be well assuming that the greatest gardening menace doesn't escape the backyard





Dear Derby. I am conflicted.


I'm starting to now really feel the effect that this derby thing is having over my life.   Turns out it demands quite a bit out of my life.  It's very much like a committed relationship.

A smothering relationship that literally bruises me.  Repeatedly.

So I ask myself.  Am I any good?   Well, objectively speaking the answer is a firm No.   I'm not being hard on myself.  I am being realistic.   I'm also being realistic when I say that I am giving this shit 100%.   I always leave the arena a sweaty mess.   These days I am repeatedly hit.  Two hours, getting checked.     When I think back to my first few weeks where I couldn't stand for more than five minutes before wiping out and bruising my tail bone it amazes me how much I have improved.   My first 25 in 5 I managed 6 laps.  Now I'm averaging 22.   Can I deliver a quality, legal full body hit?  Hahaha.  Not even close.  Can I give a mediocre lower hit?  Yep!   I can now confidently slowplow, often times so well that my wheels make that awwwwwwwwwesome sound.  Yesterday I did 20 real sit ups in 1 minute.  Would a fit person laugh when I boast about that?  Yep!  But holy shit, I haven't been able to even a single one in years.   That right there is amazeballs.     Am I derby skating good?  hahaha.  No.  Could I rock a roller rink on family days?  Absolutely!

I have been making every effort to constantly remind myself of my improvements rather than focusing on the losses.   It's a process and in my case it's a slower one.    Minimums testing is right around the corner and I would be extremely surprised if I passed.   No matter how hard I try there are still things I just can't get.    Third times the charm!  The first time around I passed all of the derby skills but few of the skating skills.   This time I am really excited to see how many MORE of the the skating skills I pass.  I have some that I think I might pass and some I know I wont.  I am looking forward to getting an objective assessment


So what the problem?

Well, currently it's a lot of time.  I have derby practice and soon it will be four hours a week.  I see a  derby trainer individuall and will be starting  kettlebell classes soon.  I'm running again to improve my cardio and even joined a 5K.  I eat for derby, work out six days a week for derby.  Time.  Time that I love.  Time that, for the most part, I will move mountains for.  Lots of time.  And I have to take away other time to make way for this time.

It really is a personal life crusher.

And it's just going to get busier.   But while weighing the pros and cons of continuing it always weighs in derby's favour.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Kaa...BANG

That is the sound of my heart exploding.


I'm always amazed at how much love I am capable of in a short period time.  Like those wise motherfuckers, Mumford and Sons say, I will love with urgency and not with haste.

Oh, hello there, Leroy!




Three hours it took for me to capture this, the only picture of the three of us together.  These dogs never stop moving.



I NEED to dog nap this dog.  








Friday, May 9, 2014

Good times

A quiet Friday night plus rewatching Sons of Anarchy equals just about the best ever.  A baby doobe ain't a bad idea either.

Happy Weekend to the world.



Wednesday, May 7, 2014

That wonderful smell of worms.

Having recently discovered Dave Van Ronk and the weather starting to cooperate I am fairly certain I have finally reached a zen state.


Typically,  by this time of year I have already done so much outside.  It's just been so wet and dreary and COLD that has been hard to muster the enthusiasm to do anything.  But Spring is here, perhaps to stay and I am so invigorated and rejuvenated that I want to stay out all.day.long.  I'm also a wee bit  ambitious this year so I am trying to figure out a way to create a vertical gardening concept without spending a single penny.  It'll  look silly but it should get the job done.

So this is what I'm planting.

Beans
Tomatoes-beef steak and bonny best.
Swiss Chard
Butternut squash-not optimistic
cucumbers
Watermelon-not optimistic
Zucchini-
Red peppers-hopeful
peas
kohlrabi
brocolli - first time

I have a wonderful big bay window and I managed to get some really nice looking seedlings of  Morning Glories, marigolds, my tomatoes, cucumber and the squashes.   Here are some of the seedlings DYING to be planted.  Seriously.  My goddamned cats who happen to be the shittiest cats I have ever known are systematically destroying them.




My front yard is still a work in progress.   Mowing the lawn is a chore I hate.   I'll do it, but it sucks.  Gardening is something I adore.  Why not simplify life a bit and just get rid of the grass and make it into something that gives me pleasure.  So, my goal is for it to eventually be grass free and a giant perennial  garden.  But that's a lotta work and a lotta mulch so slow and steady.  Still, I am so excited about it.  This time of year it's very much a clean slate but lots of stuff popping up, bigger and better.

That said, I am not sure what I am going to do with a large part of it.  As you can see there is a lot of space in need of inspiration and I'm just trying to figure out what to do with it.




AND ugh ugh...I decided last year that I didn't like the black mulch.  So I decided to do natural mulch AND I HATE IT.  So I think I'm going to try to find a darker mulch.   If not, back to black.

The back yard?  *sigh*  Now, at the end of the day my deck is one of my favourite places to be in the evening.  The best.  So I'll continue to fight for some grass but not lose too much sleep over it.

I have a fairly complex relationship with gardening.   I think it's a healthy obsession.  I am well aware of how much work it can be and it can be reeeeeaaallllllllyyyyy frustrating BUT.....god....I get gardening catalogues for chrissakes.  It is literally NEVER done so there is always something more that needs to be done.


And now, after the longest of winters I can finally begin.



-

Monday, May 5, 2014

Leaving Gary behind.

I am a huge fan of these types of youtube videos

immeeeeeeeltingggg


God, these dogs.  Just love.  They do nothing wrong.  Ever.

Unlike Gary.......


Baby lock #3...note the cat toy behind him...that he ate.



This youtube dogs are perfect gentlemen.  They always listen.  They never put muddy paws on the furniture and I am super duper sure they have never EVER done something as outrageously heinous as this...







And this is why Jesus created Boarding facilities.   So people like me can get the hell outta town without worry.  So that we get a break from the puppy insanity.   You know what?  I bet this lil'bastard will be so overcome with emotion upon my return that he will never ever ever misbehave again.   Ever.



....record sccccratch......



Oh shit...what if he thinks I abandoned him?!?!?

Aaaand now I'm worried.     Sure, I had vetted the joint fairly well and it comes highly recommended by many folks at the dog park AND he has been there before.   BUT...at the end of the day it is just a business.  Will he get affection?   What if the other dogs are mean to him?


Now all I see is this this face, begging to be loved.



Love me



Don't leave me



Pleeeeeese love me




I am not totally irrational, I am aware that dogs are dogs and only their people humanize them with these sentimentalities but I am totally convinced that Gary is the best person I have ever known.  Yeah, yeah...he's a bastard...but he means well.    All of a sudden I care very little about the destroyed back yard.  I don't really care that he chases the cats (I hate those cats, anyway).  All I can think about is him being bullied by another dog....and that terrible time I yelled at him for chewing a bone on the couch, when he WASN'T chewing on a bone on a couch.


I think this will be good for me.  I'm clearly off the rails on this one....especially since you will notice that I am not at all concerned about the girls also being gone.    

Mother of the Year for the win!!!  



Friday, May 2, 2014

Gahhhhh HAHAHA

This is the best way to start an awesome weekend.

Can't.stop.watching.


BEST.EVER!

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

And on the Eighth Day God Created Ativan

Getting anxiety attacks during super cool awesome times is like getting a gigantic headache at Christmas time.   Everything is still really rad....but there is it....a gloomy little wrinkle in things.

I am no stranger to these little fuckers and I will say that I am so so glad that my anxiety attacks aren't that bad.....but they are still pretty sucky.

Now, a lot has changed these past few weeks.  All positive.  All amazing.   BUT...it's still change and I can't help but think that my little mind is processing it all.    One little one, here and there is ok...but when you are in a perpetual cycle of deep breathing, jitters and sweat it suuuuuucks.     If only there was a pill for such things.


Uh....wait.  Yep.  There is in fact a pill for that.  A pill where the ONLY side effect is no more panic attacks.


Seeing my family doctor always results in three things.   A pap test, my vagina being pinched in the speculum  and disapproving looks.    I'll be honest, part of me thinks (worries?) that my 65 year old doctor will think I'm a tramp for having a maintained nether region.  Anyway,   I knew there would be some friction between us as my legs are covered in bruises so I knew that I had to tell him about derby (he doesn't approve).    


 BUT....off I went with my little script.


And all is exactly well.


Monday, April 28, 2014

uhh..

Can someone PLEASE explain to me why I'm getting constant panic attacks?

Look, I am no stranger to these lil' bastards BUT my life, right now, is literally PERFECT.  Like, no stress, no bullshit.   I'm even seeing some grass come up!   For realizies....not a single reason why.

It seems cruel, really.   It's one thing when you are stressed out.  You are already feeling shitty so how problematic is a little hyperventilation.   But when you are running around like you are Mary Fucking Tyler Moore, farting rainbows and sunshine,  grasping for breath and your lips going numb kinda puts a wrench in things.

It is my totally well thought out, rational opinion that I have a brain tumour.

Sigh...I'm too young and fabulous to dieeeeeeeeee

Sunday, April 27, 2014

So last night

This happened




Followed by this



And waaaaaay too many of these...





Pretty much the best EVER

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Eeeeeeeee!



Yeah.   So this is me.




oh bla di ob la da

The past few days have been a constant exercise in embarrassment.   Constant.  All my fault.  Most hilarious.

But none so horrible as the Turkish Get Downs I'm forced to do repeatedly during my training sessions.  I get that these are important but they are horrible and I am having a great deal of difficultly recovering from the red face of shame.

I quit.  Except I don't.  I just like knowing I CAN if I want to.


All will be cured with dinner at the best place in town and one or three Jamison's.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Set backs, gains and habits

As a creature of habit it's imperative that I have a routine.  Without it my world explodes and I adopt pets or start randomly digging holes.

It always amazes me how fast I grow accustomed to things and before I know it it's just my life.

Mondays-  Run and Derby

Tuesday-  Circuit and run

Wednesday- Run

Thursday-  Circuit

Friday-  Circuit and run

Saturday-  Personal training session

Sunday- Reeeeeeeeeeeest!


Now, as I get older the more I think I might be RainMan.     Or perhaps it's just my OCD kicking in as my veggies and fruit HAVE to be in the fridge waiting the morning blend.  My protein shake premixed and ready for consumption.  Always have to have two in the fridge juuuuust in case I forget.  OMG WHAT IF I FORGET!!!!  

But there are results.   Small results.   I hit my first "goal" yesterday and while it's small and I see no actual physical difference in myself I just feel better.   My energy level is awesome.  My stress level is proportionate to the circumstances.  I am getting stronger and I am actually starting to get the feel of that blasted underpush.  

But then of course life happens and I am reminded how important it is to take things in stride, just let yourself stumble over a pebble a little bit rather than letting it get stuck in your wheel and falling on your ass.

Pebbles like your flipping dryer hose dealy constantly coming out of the wall and fighting like hell to gross stupid grass.

Pebbles like an epic head lice infestation which finally ended yesterday when I actually had to call in a lice expert (they exist!).  $300.00, and hours of nitpicking later we are free.   It also turns out she is a super church lady who not only left me a really really long note about how God loves me but ALSO invited me to , I kid you not, a weekend conference for all of God's daughters.  I'm not entirely sure what The Divine conference offers but I'm pretty sure there isn't a beer tent at the "dream center".   That said, the rousing chorus of the Divine Host's "gals" kinda sorta makes me want to get stoned and attend.  This wouldn't be my worst idea.

In addition to all of this one of my favourite fellow Freshies broke her leg.  Ugh.  This is a huge bummer as I just loved skating with her.   Sigh...   Pebbles, just pebbles.  Not boulders, not the end of the world.

I'm a terrible overthinker.  To be fair to myself, I don't think this will ever change.  It's who I am.   For a very long time I allowed negative self thoughts to overcome rationality.   Laying in bed wondering and stressing about whether I will be mortgage free in 15 years.   Will I have enough when I retire?

   Sleeplessness.

Now, out of nowhere I have had such pleasant,  naturally occurring thoughts.   I'm going to add another lap on Monday night.    How nice it's going to be to finally be able to dig in the dirt, perfectly placing my tomatoes.

And now only one more sleep until such an awesome upcoming weekend.    I will try really hard not to look too excited to see the kids go.  

Monday, April 21, 2014

Good news and Bad news

First the bad news....



Here is the ugly result of Gary's reign of terror.   Not a single blade of grass to be found.  The endless battle for grass continues on.


Now on to the good!  And there is so much!

First, check out the amazing cake I pulled off..


Seriously, who has two thumbs and is ah-mazing?  ME!!!!


Also, today I had a very successful run.   This 5K will be here shortly.  I know it's only 5K and that total lardos and people in way worse shape than I do them but I swear, if I come in last I am going to rage binge the hell out EVERYTHING.


But best of all?  I can finally chill out on my deck, scotch in hand.  My very favourite place to me.

The best.   The absolute best.



Thursday, April 17, 2014

Operation: Cut the Bullshit

Well, I gotta say that my new embrace of the good and ridding the bad has gone splendidly.  Obviously work related stuffs is obviously a little more difficult to navigate  but my philosophy is that if it's not good for me, collects dust and/or is a pain in the ass... it's outta here.

Well, except for this headache....



But it has paid off!   Such a small change and I swear I have more energy, I'm sleeping better and I have become a motherfucking go getter.  We are talking signing up for courses, a 5K run and plotting the new fence to keep the above mentioned lil' bastard away from my garden.

I could credit the diet change, the frequency in workouts (but I wont cause I'm still a blubbery wastrel) and changes in work as well as the radness that is derby but I chose to believe that it was everyone else's fault cause that's a lot easier and taking personal responsibility is for suckers and pussies.


So yay!


Anyhoooo...my wee baby is turning 10 tomorrow. *sniff*   Super fun family times to ensue.  Possibly some tension as Dad is coming for dinner (the nerve of a father wanting to dine with his children)   Good news is it's at a restaurant so fingers crossed he's on his best behaviour and uses his indoor voice.  Then the kids are gone for the rest of this glorious long weekend and the days are alllllll mine.


Oh Spring giddiness.   I have missed you so desperately so.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Commitment

"If you aren't falling.  If you aren't bruising.  If your body isn't burning, you are NOT COMMITTING!"

This is what I hear every practice.


As I type I hurt like hell and I am icing my knees and ass....but....
.........................not only did I figure out how to transition (poorly) BUT I figured out how to skate backwards.  Like, on the track, with the pack.  Transition back, transition front.  Skate skate skate.

And...AND...I added two laps.

Goddiggity damn this was a good night.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Can't decide..

What's worse, having to be in  a change room for two Philly derby teams being the only super square there.

Or.....

Coming home from the best bout ever, only to find Gary had eaten a bottle of ketchup and a block of shortening...and barfed it on the couch.


Positive attitude in check I sat back and thought of the all the amazing things I would do outside this morning.  Accomplished none of these imaginary task but somehow feel surprisingly giddy and rested.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Ouuuch






Today's reward for mastering the homework doled out by my personal trainer was more weight!  I was feeling pretty rad about how awesome I am able to goblet squat.  So short lived as I was forced to squat with a million pound kettlebell.

But it has all paid off with exactly 0 weight lost, another pair of jeans put in the "maybe one day" pile and general feeling of derby failure.  

Anyway, we were talking today about relationships (obviously, what else is there to talk about) and our pasts.  As I told the tale of the demise of my marriage the jaws continued to drop lower and lower.  I then advised them that in retrospect, those were, to date, the best years of my life.

There was a period where we literally didn't have a table to eat at.  The table was his to take and take he did.  We threw down a blanket and had picnics for weeks.  I had little babies, negative money in the bank yet deep down inside my heart was good.   I felt good.  Sure, there where times it blew donkey balls but I always new that I was awesome and that I would come through, bigger and better.

And I did.


It's hard for me to reconcile that during what should have been the worst time, I had such a demanding and powerful sense of self and value.  But now, when I SHOULD be this way.....it's just not there.  So much doubt.   It it is so frightfully hard to shake.

But I see little glimpses here and there.

I have also (finally) seen the light in the importance of non toxic relationships.  Whether they are people we are romantically involved with, coworkers, friends, you name it.  One thing I have to finally fess up to is that I am in fact a sensitive creature.  My feelings, like anyone else's, are fragile.   I have spent a fair bit of time engaging with people who simply make me feel like I'm a pain in the ass or an unimportant person worthy of care.  This of course isn't the case, but when you are personally battling this particular demon it's utter lunacy to allow them any power to remind you of what you are most insecure about.    I have been a fortunate lassie who is surrounded by people who value and care for me.  And I would like to think that I return the favour.  But within these relationships there is always someone there who whether or not they mean it, make you feel like mold.

What do smart people do about these people?

  
Cut them out like a cancer.

So, with my new found freedoms I am off to the season opener.   After watching Toronto suffer a crushing loss today it'll be re freshing to see a kick ass game in "our" favour.

But words can not express my displeasure with the location of the after party.  Tomorrow will be an amazing day of couch surfing to atone for my sins of this evening.

YAY!!!!

Monday, April 7, 2014

Know your strengths.

I am really good at five things.

1. Parenting

2.  Gardening

3.  Dating inappropriately young men

4. Baking

5.  Crocheting


You will notice that full contact sports does not appear on that list.


Tonight was pretty much the worst and I am really starting to rethink this whole thing.  I literally cried twice tonight at practice.  TWICE.  Tears of frustration.  Tears of WHY THE FUCK CAN"T I UNDERPUSH!?!?

*pout*

On the upside, I almost have the t stop.   And I also learned the hurty way that closing my eyes and just going for it really doesn't work the way it does in movies.

Stupid movies


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Just kidding

So my plans to delete the blog and redo into a new platform fell flat.  I have the attention span of a sand flea so transferring old unpublished derby related posts proved too much for me to bear.  So BackToBolt for me.

Anyway, derby is but one part of the package of me.  Seems really lame to dedicate a blog just to one part of it.   And now that MY TULIP BULBS ARE COMING UP(!!!!!!!!!) I foresee waaaay more time in my garden.   Don't even get me started on the glorious orange paint I just found for the bathroom.

Here comes the flipping sun.


Oh yeah.  I should spend some time on my fitness journey.  Afterall, that WAS my plan.

So, long story short.  I'm a fatty with no strength whatsoever.   I have carved everything out into a 13 year plan.

1)  Make a team by 40.
2)  Make Thunder by 45
3)  Look like Arnold Schwartzenegger by 50.

Needless to say I have a long road ahead.   Currently I am training with another Fresh Meat who broke her ankle last boot camp.   Our trainer is rad.   Focusing on strength and body building and conditioning.  No endless runs for this girl!  Just hauling around kettle bells and trying not to look like a complete fool while attempting Turkish getups.

Anyway, I'm learning to eat better, to move better, to sleep better.  I also learned never to go to a sweet market in your sweaty clothes post work out.  You never know when you are going to run into an ex....and his new girlfriend.....his gorgeous, tall older GF who looks totally together.


And it's fun!  Who knew!!

Monday, March 24, 2014

Oh Mah Gawd

It turns out that sometimes...just sometimes....my unsolicited tirades have positive effects.

I will say that the email from my boss,  subject line "Thursday's Meeting" certainly made my heart sink.  Little did I know that my excessive outburst of bossiness actually represented itself as passion and I have just been handed the coolest project evah!

Hurrah!!

Also...ALSO...Sunday practice?   Reached two major goals.


All this said....I really feel, at this exact moment, that I have hit the ground running.     My house is a goddamned pig sty, my kids are forced to make their own lunches, sometimes their dinner comes out of a box...and everything is just flipping perfect.

So....time to sign off on back to bolt.   I created this blog years ago to bitch.  And I'm so glad I did. That said, I feel as though I don't lend enough time to my successes.

 I'm 36 years old.  I am a single mother.  I am quirky and satisfied and I have too many animals sleeping on my bed.    In short, I am rad.

 And that is what my next blog will be about.    Closing the door on immaturity and self deprecation (sorta).  Opening a new one, about my wellness and my successes.  About how a chubby lardo can safetly and slowly get her ass back into shape.   How said lardos person trainer will "build me one hell of an ass" and how the very same lardo, with a fuck ton of hard work....even if it takes years.....WILL be a member of one of the best derby teams in Canada.


Fare the well, my faithful 2.5 readers.    With so much excitement I bid adieu.

xox

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Here Comes the Sun!!

Oh man, am I ever in love with this sun.

It's not even that I tend to stupidly grin ear to ear without reason.  It's that the moment I believe that Spring is almost here my motivation can not be matched.   

Replant all lettuce the cats ate.  Check
Repot my house plant clipping.  Check
Scrape glue off stairs.  Check
Walk Gary.  Check
Bake.  Check
Have first assessment with personal trainer?  Check


EEeeeeee!  I finally did it!

 
Enough is a fucking nuff.    My goal is to make a team by the age of 40.  My other goal is to look like Nicollette Sheridan by 40..... but I'm not totally delusional.

 
SO EXCITED!


And jesus..don't even get me started on what I have planned for my garden this year.  I could go on for hours.


GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIJUSTDIEDFROMHAPPINESS!!!





Saturday, March 22, 2014

Like a dog with a bone

So I'm always amazed when I have these epiphanies about myself.

The road to self realization isn't all "you go girl, you CAN do it"  It also involves realizing some fairly disturbing personality flaws.

Maybe not disturbing.  More, WTF?!


I have been butting heads with one of my kids.  Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.  Just perfectly normal  preteen stuff.   The child in question is also the most easy going child.  She's kind and funny and agreeable.  In fact, with the exception of the very sexually charged joke she told my Mom she has never been a lick of stress.  Just the sweetest ever.

Until she isn't.


When she gets a bee in her bonnet she is so infuriating and ridiculous it makes my hair hurt.  Like a dog with a bone.  Will not drop it.  God.  The bloody last word thing DRIVES ME INSANE.

What does any of this have to do with my road to self realization?

Well, turns out she is exactly.like.me.


sigh

I try to avoid conflict. I try to be the better person.


Until I don't.


 To be fair there is only a small handful of people that I am fully comfortable letting my feelings be perfectly known.   9 times out of 10 it's resolved with a "hey, remember when we lost our shit?  Fun.  Now let's get coffee and move on".   If ever you need to be reminded of what makes a really good friend you just need to look at the ones you have had the knarliest arguments with.  


Above and beyond.  It's ok to have flaws.  It's not ok to refuse to learn from them.   It's ok to argue or fight even.  It's not ok to gaslight.

Learn learn learn.  

You can indeed teach an old dog new tricks.




Friday, March 21, 2014

Muggy 2.0

It's dead to me.



What the fuck, Muggy engineers?!?!?!  Now, don't get me wrong.  My ability to build and create is limited to guinea pig cages and sugar cube castles but I'm pretty certain that someone shit the bed here.

Here is the thing.  If you are going to manufacture something, unless it's a gold fish, make it last more than a bloody week!  There are people out there (me) whose sheer delight at the pure genius of this magical colour changing mug is equally shot when the fucking stickers start coming off.

And WHY aren't these magical colour changing stickers reinforced?  Surely I'm not the only person in the world who, I don't know, WASHES DISHES!  A mug, like all dinnerware,  needs to have the fortitude to get wet for Christ's Sakes!

Problem number 2.  I am what one might call "a picker".  Absolutely nothing has brought me more pleasure than an ingrown hair on a boyfriends neck.  I also dream that one day I will be the victim of a bot fly invasion.....so look at it......ready to be picked.  I WANT TO PICK OFF ALL THE STICKERS!!!   But then I'm just left with a black mug.  A boring old black mug.  

sigh

And I thought genocide was a bummer.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

C is for Control Freak



Hire personal trainer.  Check

Two job interviews.  Check

Bounce gymrat misogynist.  Check

Don't pick of tetris mug sticker.  Check

Master T stop.  Working on it.



The girl has officially regained control.


Sunday, March 16, 2014

Some days we just fight.

Dear Gary,


I hate you.




ps-go fuck yourself.






Thursday, March 13, 2014

heheehe

I think I have discovered that the best thing in the world about getting to know someone is not finding out about your shared interests.  It isn't that moment when you both look at each other and loudly proclaim ME TOOOOOO! in excitement.  It isn't that moment when you both reach for each others hand at the very same time.


It's seeing how far you can take your jokes.


Thanks to a recent Reddit thread I am fucking KILLING it in this department.






Me!  FTW!!

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Anticipation.

When I was 21 I had a baby.   It was terrible.   Promised I would never do it again.

Three years later I had another baby.  I was prepared and confident that I would get through it with far more self control than before. I refuse to be one of those women who (again) scream for more medication.  How pedestrian.  The moment the first contraction came I was transported back and I was well aware of the hell fire that was about to be my vagina.   Screaming, crying, begging to go to the hospital.  Promised I would never do it again.

By the time kid number three came along I considered myself a childbirth pro.  One of these homebirthing hippies who had their cloth diapers ready.    Clearly someone as in touch with nature as I would handle THIS round of childbirth like a good, crunchy mama.   Afterall, sure childbirth hurts but if it was THAT bad, why am I doing it again.  

The last thing I really recall is being naked, on all fours as my Mom and sisters watched.  Screaming to go to the hospital.


Anyhoo.....roller derby might be exactly like this.  And I can now confidently confirm that I am indeed a total masochist.


Jesus Christ.  It's hard.  Really hard.  My recollection of last years FM is one of pure joy and self improvement.   Like, I know it's hard.  But really.  It's awesome.  


Nope.  It's mostly fucking hard.


Here is the thing.   I get really hurt.  Like, hurt.   Everyone gets hurt.  That's the nature of the game.  It's not a question of if you will be injured.  It's when.  In order to improve you HAVE to take these crazy risks that 9 times out of 10 will result in a fall.   We are like those stupid 13 year boys on their skateboards repeatedly trying to jump and always falling.  Sadly, that's the only way to learn.   Now, this would be pretty fun if I were a 13 year old boy.  But I'm not.    Also, there is also that one little detail that if I were to actually progress I will actually have to play the game.  In front of people.   Sometimes there are professional photographers.....taking pictures.

Phobia #1-The camera


This is what I look like in EVERY picture where I am unprepared.




What's my second phobia you ask?    Looking foolish.

This is actually one of the most perplexing phobias as I literally humiliate myself every.single.day.  But that just me living.  I'm used to it.  When I actually have to PERFORM?  Holy shit,  the fear of failure is crippling. 

Then there are the practical reasons.

This is happening to my feet.



Now, it's not just the aesthetics.  Sure, it sucks that my TOENAILS ARE FALLING OFF but also,  I'm pretty sure the searing pain is NOT normal.  That said, this is not abnormal and there are in fact solutions. Expensive solutions.  Like, I need to actually start budgeting for this.


It's kinda scary when you decide to commit to something.  Petrifying knowing that as hard as you try it might not work out.


 But it's also really rad to think it might.   That little flutter of hope is just about the best goddamned feeling in the world.







Monday, March 10, 2014

Letting go. Moving Forward. Falling in Love Again.

I have a hard time letting go.  I find my comfort zone and even if it's not great it's still comfortable and familiar.  When this is challenged and I am forced to face the world on my own I am thrown into a tailspin and I just don't know HOW to carry on or move forward.  The vacancy eats at me.





When I lost Muggy it was hard.  I blamed everything.  The kids, the cat.   Karma.  Myself.   It was so hard to overcome the grief that there were days that I was certain I would never recover.

Sure, there were other mugs.   They were ok.   Didn't quite feel so comfortable.  Always felt like I was betraying Muggy.  They were never as good as Muggy.  Time passed and the empty ache Muggy left in my heart soon grew smaller.   The realization that perhaps Muggy just wasn't meant to be finally rushed across my soul.  Closure.


And then....when I was least expecting it something magical happened.

Out of no where came replacement Muggy.

Amazing Muggy.

motherfucking.COLOUR CHANGING.  MUGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Warmth spreads over my heart.  A perfect match.  Indisputable chemistry.  I...I.....I can't even.