Kale. The soul destroyer.

It was all very innocent enough.

About three months ago my Mom told me that my Dad bought me Kale seeds.  A small red variety.  I was of course over the moon.  And antsy!   So I'd see my Dad here and there.  No kale seeds.  Ok.  Maybe he's going to pot it for me!  How thoughtful!!!  What a wonderful gesture!

No seeds.

The past few days have been a lot.  This time of year can chaotic and  seeing as it's only me around these parts keeping it together, well, it sometimes seems like an insurmountable burden.  Humans seek comfort.  It's what we do.  It's normal.  I'm normal.  I need an ear.  I need a sympathetic shoulder.  Need some comfort.  What's NOT normal is to seek comfort in someone who genuinely dislikes me.  Now, this is going to sound like a "boo hoo poor me" vent.  It isn't.  I'm 36 years old.  My Dad doesn't like me.  And that is ok.  Not everyone is going to like me, afterall, I'm not always the easiest person to like.
 
 But he must like me, he BOUGHT ME KALE SEEDS!!!   He likes me.  He really likes me!


Anyhoo...sometimes we need Dad.  Dad's buy kids ice cream when they are down.   They see that they are feeling totally unappreciated because they ARE totally unappreciated.  They give pearls of wisdom, really driving home how awesome you are.    They rub their kids heads and say things like "You've got this!"  "I'm proud of you!"    Convinced this time would be different and I would indeed be the recipient of words of encouragement and high caloric treats,  off I went. 

After sitting in uncomfortable silence, watching my Dad watch TV I decided that it was all a wash and that I would just go ahead and beg him to come see a derby bout.  Prepared for the argument as he full well told me he would NEVER go see a bout I geared up.  And then something caught my eye.

The package of red kale seeds.


All of a sudden I was placated.  And ashamed.  How could I behave so ungratefully?    I KNEW this gift was coming but I was bratty and greedy.  I also know how shy my Dad can be, so  I sheepishly asked if I could have some seeds.  This would surely jog his memory that he in fact bought them for me.  Hurrah!  What a clever little manipulator I am!

  "You'll have to ask your Mother.  They're hers"

I totally lied.  This is TOTALLY a boo hoo FML post.    Except it's evolved into a "I'm really fucking pissed off" post.

I bawled all the way home like the kid does BEFORE they get the motherfucking ice cream.  I bawled and bawled cause sometimes it's just nice to feel like you are worth something.  Yeah, yeah yeah,  we are all in charge of our own happiness but sometimes, especially when you feel utterly lost, it's ok  to need to feel valued, by anyone.  And you know what?  Your  Dad is a good start. .  Once.  Just once.  Tell me that I'm doing an ok job and I haven't ruined my life.   Tell me it'll get easier.  Tell me it's ok.  Tell me I'm doing a good job and that you are proud of me.    Be a fucking father..  I didn't ask to be here, the least a guy can do is fake it.

  

So I went home and gardened.   Committed to a freeze out.  Like a petulant child I'M NEVER TALKING TO HIM AGAIN.  


Sigh...but this is not true.  

And I'll buy my own fucking red kale seeds.


And god help me if I ever make my own kids feel this way.


The End.