I hate Mad TV

But sometimes it delivers

Fuck you, Feist

I forgot how much I love Robert Johnson!!

Caught with my hand under the pillow.

I have been moonlighting as the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus for almost a decade and I must say I have done a fantastic job of not blowing my cover.

Until last night.

My middle daughter had a loose tooth for a good few weeks. If there is one thing I just love it's ripping out teeth. I was actually a little sad when my last baby tooth came out. The good news is I have lots of kids who of course have lots of teeth so my need for make believe dentistry can still be satisfied. After weeks of pestering and whining (me, not the girl) she finally allowed me to try and yank it out. I only got it half way which resulted in the best snaggletooth ever. Anyhoo......fast forward to 11pm when she proudly manages to rip her tooth out.

Yes, I said 11pm.

By this time I had worked a full day plus a few hours of overtime PLUS made 6 end of year gifts for the teachers. My eyes are blurring and my body is screaming for my bed. The girl is of course over the moon excited at the prospect of the Tooth Fairy paying her a visit and is likely not going to fall asleep for some time. This was actually a good thing because I soon realized that I didn't have ANY change in my purse. I contemplated giving her a cute little IOU from the tooth fairy. I'm not too proud to admit that I considered raiding her piggybank and using some of her allowance , it's not like she actually earns it. In the end it was reasonable parenting skills that won. I waited for an eternity for her to fall asleep and I pounced at the first sign of slumber. My hand goes under the pillow and I can not find this bloody tooth anywhere. My fumbling hand woke her up.

She believed me 100% when I told her I was just making sure the Tooth Fairy could find her tooth. I honestly can't believe how much my children trust me. Awesome.

Good times.

WARNING!!!!! Do not read this if you are squeamish or Zerback.


Did you know what a dead chipmunk can do after sitting in the stifling sun for an unknown period of time? I do. It turns out that when you pick up a dead chipmunk its tail will snap off and the decomposing carcass can actually manage to splat on your leg and STICK there until you start running around like you have stepped on a bee hive.

Ask me how I know this.

Uggghhh...I can still feel it. Out, damned spot! Out, I say!

No good deed goes unpunished

It's that time of year again. When frantic parents rummage through the vanity looking for hairspray, can't seem to find the right colour of thread for sewing and need to make a quick dash to the pharmacy to buy blue frost eyeshadow. The time of year I am referring to is the grand dance recital. This is when proud Grandparents, bored siblings and over caffinated soccer Moms get to watch their little darlings perform their mediocre dance skills.

The dance studio my girls go to is terrific. There is a great deal of parental involvement, tasteful costumes and a general cheery attitude. One thing this dance studio really counts on is parent volunteers. I couldn't help but notice a sharp decrease in the number of volunteers. Actually, it is hard not to notice when the director of the studio has sent emails begging us to volunteer. Anyhoo, me, being a super amazing person decided to step up to the plate. I figure I would lend a hand to the junior area. This way I can chill with the kids and obsess over my own offspring's makeup. Easy peasy! The 7-12 year old crown is super low maintenance. Bring some snacks, a DVD player and some Advil and I am laughing!

No such luck.

I have been slotted in the Kinderdance/Primary dressing room. Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!? Do you know what 4-6 year old kids are like?!?! This is just about the worst place for me to be. I genuinely dislike young children, particularly 4-6 year old girls in large quantities. Turns out everyone else does too as it is only me and ONE OTHER PARENT who will be responsible for these easily misplaced little creatures.

Let us do the math. 20 ankle biters + 2 babysitters = FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

What is a Mother to do...

....when her five year old draws at least 10 pictures a day of dead people listening to music.

This is precisely the reason I DO NOT let my kids watch violent movies.