Anticipation.

When I was 21 I had a baby.   It was terrible.   Promised I would never do it again.

Three years later I had another baby.  I was prepared and confident that I would get through it with far more self control than before. I refuse to be one of those women who (again) scream for more medication.  How pedestrian.  The moment the first contraction came I was transported back and I was well aware of the hell fire that was about to be my vagina.   Screaming, crying, begging to go to the hospital.  Promised I would never do it again.

By the time kid number three came along I considered myself a childbirth pro.  One of these homebirthing hippies who had their cloth diapers ready.    Clearly someone as in touch with nature as I would handle THIS round of childbirth like a good, crunchy mama.   Afterall, sure childbirth hurts but if it was THAT bad, why am I doing it again.  

The last thing I really recall is being naked, on all fours as my Mom and sisters watched.  Screaming to go to the hospital.

Anyhoo.....roller derby might be exactly like this.  And I can now confidently confirm that I am indeed a total masochist.


Jesus Christ.  It's hard.  Really hard.  My recollection of last years FM is one of pure joy and self improvement.   Like, I know it's hard.  But really.  It's awesome.  

Nope.  It's mostly fucking hard.

Here is the thing.   I get really hurt.  Like, hurt.   Everyone gets hurt.  That's the nature of the game.  It's not a question of if you will be injured.  It's when.  In order to improve you HAVE to take these crazy risks that 9 times out of 10 will result in a fall.   We are like those stupid 13 year boys on their skateboards repeatedly trying to jump and always falling.  Sadly, that's the only way to learn.   Now, this would be pretty fun if I were a 13 year old boy.  But I'm not.    Also, there is also that one little detail that if I were to actually progress I will actually have to play the game.  In front of people.   Sometimes there are professional photographers.....taking pictures.

Phobia #1-The camera


This is what I look like in EVERY picture where I am unprepared.

What's my second phobia you ask?    Looking foolish.

This is actually one of the most perplexing phobias as I literally humiliate myself every.single.day.  But that just me living.  I'm used to it.  When I actually have to PERFORM?  Holy shit,  the fear of failure is crippling. 

Then there are the practical reasons.

This is happening to my feet.

Now, it's not just the aesthetics.  Sure, it sucks that my TOENAILS ARE FALLING OFF but also,  I'm pretty sure the searing pain is NOT normal.  That said, this is not abnormal and there are in fact solutions. Expensive solutions.  Like, I need to actually start budgeting for this.


It's kinda scary when you decide to commit to something.  Petrifying knowing that as hard as you try it might not work out.


 But it's also really rad to think it might.   That little flutter of hope is just about the best goddamned feeling in the world.