You've come a long way, Baby!

I was about 11 years old at the time.    I was at the cottage and my friend and I were at the ice cream shop, both desperately wanting the same ice cream.  Both frozen with embarrassment and equally aware of the ridiculousness of our situation.  The problem?  The ice cream we desired was called A Fistful O' Fudge.   Neither one of us could muster up the balls to actually say "I would like a Fistful O' Fudge", the utter absurdity of the name was just too much to bear.  So we sat and waited and giggled, determine to have this ice cream because it was literally a Fistful O' fucking FUDGE.  I actually can't recall if we ended up getting it or if we opted for far less offending name.  It actually doesn't matter.


I have a tendency to to jump in with both feet and with my eyes closed.  The more I think about shit the less I'm likely to do it.  So, when I joined this derby thingy I knew exactly nothing about it and considered it a fun beer league, a way to burn off some steam.

Turns out this league is one of the top five derby leagues in the entire goddamned country.   They aren't fucking around.  Two of my coaches are trying out for team Canada.  I leeeeetle more than I had bargained for.

My bad.

Obviously some adjustments have to be made.   Like....if I have a chance in hell of being drafted a really good start is losing 20 pounds.   My size is only increasing.  My jeans are tights in the calves.  I am going to look like the incredible fucking hulk with a wicked muffin top if something doesn't give.

Kale smoothies.  So many kale smoothies.  No booze, nothing fried.  Breakfast every day.  Nothing after 8.  Extensive drills.  Two runs a week.

Another two pounds gained.  Still can't hold a plank.  Still can't beat 22 laps.


sigh


It's time.

For.

The Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.


This is a list of purchases I have made in person.  No shame, hesitation or wearing a disguise involving a moustache.

monistat 7
preperation h
pin worm medication ( not for me, I swear...well, I did take some just in case )
magnum condoms
1 or three vibrators
2 different colon evacuators
Plan B
lancing kit


Yet all of a sudden I'm that 11 year old kid again, wanting a Fist Full O' Fudge ice cream cone.  I can't, for the life of me, bring myself to buy this ridonkulous DVD in person.  Jillian Michaels.  HAHAHA.  Oh god.  I considered picking it up in a different city.

But life is so much easier than when I was 11.

Take that, Suckers!!!!  No more need for the crushing humiliation of being just another chubbo buying this stupid work out DVD.   Click send and away I go.

Man.  Life is so goddamned easy these days.  Well, minus the derby thing.