Make it all make sense!!

I'm kind of haunted by my last conversation with my friend before she died.  By "kind of haunted" I mean totally and completely preoccupied by it.

When you spend a decade working with people you do form unique bonds and friendships.   Cathy was not only my work mentor but pretty much my confessional.  She talked me through babies and marriages and divorces and breakups and blah blah blah blah blah.

And now she's gone and I have been blown into this existential crisis that to be fair I have ALWAYS been in the midst of but she always tempered.

"What more can you possibly want?  You literally have everything."

That was the last email she sent me.


I don't know why I am having such a hard time determining what I am to do with my life.  I think it's just because everything has always come so easily to me.  Jobs, children, men, pets, sparkling personality, outrageous beauty.  All of these things just fell into my lap with exactly zero effort.  I just roll with it.  And she's right.  I DO have everything.  Everything.  There is literally nothing I can think of that I am without.  Yet here I am, puttering about with what feels like a pinprick of doubt behind my ear.  Rather than just live and enjoy I'm focusing so much energy on this little pinprick.


So, two weeks ago I had a job interview.   My interviewer very kindly offered her condolences and I returned the courtesy by crying.  But for some strange reason I have been offered the job.

But I don't think I'll accept the offer.

I don't understand myself.  I go for these interviews (well, only three to be exact) and turn them down.  I join Pof only to later reclaim my status as single for life.   I repeatedly go to derby practice, only to be injured.  WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!

I need a sign.

Or maybe I just need to accept that sometimes life is all about climbing that tree, in search for that branch that may or may not support your weight.  And just go for it.

I think