Oh Mah Gawd

It turns out that sometimes...just sometimes....my unsolicited tirades have positive effects.

I will say that the email from my boss,  subject line "Thursday's Meeting" certainly made my heart sink.  Little did I know that my excessive outburst of bossiness actually represented itself as passion and I have just been handed the coolest project evah!

Hurrah!!

Also...ALSO...Sunday practice?   Reached two major goals.


All this said....I really feel, at this exact moment, that I have hit the ground running.     My house is a goddamned pig sty, my kids are forced to make their own lunches, sometimes their dinner comes out of a box...and everything is just flipping perfect.

So....time to sign off on back to bolt.   I created this blog years ago to bitch.  And I'm so glad I did. That said, I feel as though I don't lend enough time to my successes.

 I'm 36 years old.  I am a single mother.  I am quirky and satisfied and I have too many animals sleeping on my bed.    In short, I am rad.

 And that is what my next blog will be about.    Closing the door on immaturity and self deprecation (sorta).  Opening a new one, about my wellness and my successes.  About how a chubby lardo can safetly and slowly get her ass back into shape.   How said lardos person trainer will "build me one hell of an ass" and how the very same lardo, with a fuck ton of hard work....even if it takes years.....WILL be a member of one of the best derby teams in Canada.


Fare the well, my faithful 2.5 readers.    With so much excitement I bid adieu.

xox

Here Comes the Sun!!

Oh man, am I ever in love with this sun.

It's not even that I tend to stupidly grin ear to ear without reason.  It's that the moment I believe that Spring is almost here my motivation can not be matched.   

Replant all lettuce the cats ate.  Check

Repot my house plant clipping.  Check

Scrape glue off stairs.  Check

Walk Gary.  Check

Bake.  Check

Have first assessment with personal trainer?  Check

EEeeeeee!  I finally did it!

 

Enough is a fucking nuff.    My goal is to make a team by the age of 40.  My other goal is to look like Nicollette Sheridan by 40..... but I'm not totally delusional.

 

SO EXCITED!

And jesus..don't even get me started on what I have planned for my garden this year.  I could go on for hours.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIJUSTDIEDFROMHAPPINESS!!!

Like a dog with a bone

So I'm always amazed when I have these epiphanies about myself.

The road to self realization isn't all "you go girl, you CAN do it"  It also involves realizing some fairly disturbing personality flaws.

Maybe not disturbing.  More, WTF?!


I have been butting heads with one of my kids.  Absolutely nothing out of the ordinary.  Just perfectly normal  preteen stuff.   The child in question is also the most easy going child.  She's kind and funny and agreeable.  In fact, with the exception of the very sexually charged joke she told my Mom she has never been a lick of stress.  Just the sweetest ever.

Until she isn't.


When she gets a bee in her bonnet she is so infuriating and ridiculous it makes my hair hurt.  Like a dog with a bone.  Will not drop it.  God.  The bloody last word thing DRIVES ME INSANE.

What does any of this have to do with my road to self realization?

Well, turns out she is exactly.like.me.


sigh

I try to avoid conflict. I try to be the better person.


Until I don't.


 To be fair there is only a small handful of people that I am fully comfortable letting my feelings be perfectly known.   9 times out of 10 it's resolved with a "hey, remember when we lost our shit?  Fun.  Now let's get coffee and move on".   If ever you need to be reminded of what makes a really good friend you just need to look at the ones you have had the knarliest arguments with.  


Above and beyond.  It's ok to have flaws.  It's not ok to refuse to learn from them.   It's ok to argue or fight even.  It's not ok to gaslight.

Learn learn learn.  

You can indeed teach an old dog new tricks.

Muggy 2.0

It's dead to me.

What the fuck, Muggy engineers?!?!?!  Now, don't get me wrong.  My ability to build and create is limited to guinea pig cages and sugar cube castles but I'm pretty certain that someone shit the bed here.

Here is the thing.  If you are going to manufacture something, unless it's a gold fish, make it last more than a bloody week!  There are people out there (me) whose sheer delight at the pure genius of this magical colour changing mug is equally shot when the fucking stickers start coming off.

And WHY aren't these magical colour changing stickers reinforced?  Surely I'm not the only person in the world who, I don't know, WASHES DISHES!  A mug, like all dinnerware,  needs to have the fortitude to get wet for Christ's Sakes!

Problem number 2.  I am what one might call "a picker".  Absolutely nothing has brought me more pleasure than an ingrown hair on a boyfriends neck.  I also dream that one day I will be the victim of a bot fly invasion.....so look at it......ready to be picked.  I WANT TO PICK OFF ALL THE STICKERS!!!   But then I'm just left with a black mug.  A boring old black mug.  

sigh

And I thought genocide was a bummer.

C is for Control Freak

Hire personal trainer.  Check

Two job interviews.  Check

Bounce gymrat misogynist.  Check

Don't pick of tetris mug sticker.  Check

Master T stop.  Working on it.



The girl has officially regained control.

Some days we just fight.

Dear Gary,


I hate you.




ps-go fuck yourself.

heheehe

I think I have discovered that the best thing in the world about getting to know someone is not finding out about your shared interests.  It isn't that moment when you both look at each other and loudly proclaim ME TOOOOOO! in excitement.  It isn't that moment when you both reach for each others hand at the very same time.


It's seeing how far you can take your jokes.


Thanks to a recent Reddit thread I am fucking KILLING it in this department.

Me!  FTW!!