Let's talk about sex, Baby!

Just kidding. Let's talk about food poisoning.

I'm a firm believer in feeding your body well and that it's just as much of a contributor of wellness as any pharmaceutical.   Once upon a lifetime ago I was quite concerned with such things.  No refined flours or sugar, ethically obtained coffees and sugars.  So about a month ago I decided to get back into that swing of things.  It was all going so well until Thursday.

Mornings can be hectic round these parts.  For the most part the girls are self motivated but there are hiccups here and there.  By the time  I had to get to work there simply was no time to make lunch.  No problem.   Today I'll reward myself with fast food! After all, I survived a mental breakdown and I now only eat organic almond butter out of the jar instead of Jiffy. Progress! So, I was in a major upswing. Absolutely NO bad can come of this.

Nothing could have prepared me for the Unholy War that was about to erupt in my colon.

As my guts prepared for the offensive and subsequent expulsion I knew I had to plan my defence and plan fast.   Three stalls in one bathroom, almost always occupied by at least one.  As a phobic public pooper during the most discreet of times I knew this was not at all an option.  Handicapped stall!  YES!  Oh god...NO....out of order.  OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!

Men's bathroom!  Only two men in the office.  What are the odds?  As I shuffled to the bathroom with my ass cheeks squeezed into rock hard boulders gripping my sphincter like it was Aron Ralstons arm I meet office dude about to enter the bathroom. My desperation getting the better of my I briefly considered him an ally.  Afterall, he cried with me when Cecil died.  

This CAN'T be happening.

Lurking by the water fountain I count. 3 in 3 out. Time to execute. My brow is beaded with sweat and I am prepared for the imminent anal assassination.

As I gripped seat to prevent being rocketed into the ceiling I prayed to anyone who might be listening.  I REPENT!  Allah, I promise I'll be better and I'm so so sorry that I find Redfoo attractive.     Jesus, I will no longer have an immediate hate of  fat kids and I'll make my three month hiatus from dating a full year.  Gaia, I'll only watch porn on Wednesday afternoon and Shiva, I'll start thinking before I speak.  Just please please PLEASE don't let anyone come into here.

With my prayers unanswered I realized that it was time to wave the white flag at the evil that had brewed in my bowels.

Defeated and crushed I gave up and braced myself for the second coming.  Softly singing Then He Kissed Me in my head my hands clawed at the wall.  The walls shook.  Children  cried.  I was brought to my knees in defeat.

usurped by E.Coli