Rock bottom

I found not one, but two Mariah Carey songs on my iPod.

Welcome to my rock bottom.

I should take you back to the beginning.

It all started about 2 and a half years ago. Kidding, it all started 20 years ago. The diagnosis of your run of the mill clinical depression was made and I won the medication lottery. Only a few minor set backs and I was my very merry self. Life came and went with all the glorious highs and lows and I just didn't think a thing about it.


Things started to change about 2 years ago. At time a fellow I was dating had just moved in so I simply wrote it off as growing pains at my new living situation. After all, this was a change in my life. Surely this was normal? Slightly glum, bummed. But it just wasn't going away. Nothing too overt. Just kind of a cloud over my eyes.

Being no stranger to depression I figured that since this wasn't the dire horribleness I experienced in my teen years that it was ok. I was no longer a hormonal teenager, dealing with being a teenager. I was a grown woman who was, well, amazing. This would pass.

So life scraped by and I persevered. Some minor life changes here and there and the cloud remained.

And then the shit hits the fan.

I can't leave my house. I WANT to leave my house but I prefer to lay awake in bed. Lets evaluate. I am a strong, smart, funny attractive woman who has everything...but something ain't right. Who the hell is it I'm seeing in the mirror!?! Pull up your boot straps and knock it the fuck off!

The good days come hard and fast and HURRAH! It's all behind me.

Just kidding. Hello there, uncontrollable sobbing! Nice to see you again.

Then I had my imaginary heart attack and the days that followed days were met with sheer joy. How nice everything is! My house is tidy. My kids are no longer having nervous breakdowns. My dog is amazing, and I'm dating a walking shrimp ring.

.......record scratch.......


*sigh* If I lay here really still I think the universe will just open up and swallow me into my mattress. If I will it enough it'll all cease to exist and the past 36 years will have never happened. I can't have one more moment of this despair. Meaningless, irrational anguish.

Perhaps to even out the failure of my life I need to epically die. I'm gonna put on a cape and a pink unitard. and I'll slip a razor wire noose around my neck and superglue my hands to my head. Surely the force of my jump will cause decapitation BUT it'll just look like I ripped my head off! As spectacular as that sounds I'm not sure that's the best scene for anyone to walk into. I COULD call the coroner right before. That way I'm guaranteed that only a medical professional would see me in my epic final death scene. Then again there's a pretty wide margin of error. What if the noose fails, I fall and hit my head and when I regain consciousness I find a group of gawkers stifling their laughs at the sight of a portly broad in a unitard with her hands glued to her head?

Suicide is clearly not an option.

I have done everything. I got the dog, I painted the house, I meditated. I started home renos again, I partook in endless super fun family and friends things. I started dating the worlds handsomest (but possibly stupidest...the stupidity almost negated by the best sex ever) man. I joined the fucking roller derby for chrissakes. What is left!?

Woe is me.

I am not crazy.

So why am I crazy?

I swear, if starring in a Bukkake video will fix this I will do it. I will. In the meantime it's time to make peace with all I have wronged. Get it all off my chest. Perhaps unspoken words are whats eating me. Nope. I can't save the world from creepy Mormons or viral infections and I'm pretty sure no one cares that I stole a bottle of wine when I was 17. My confessionals and attempted helpfulness did nothing but make me feel remorseful.

I have offically tried everything....

Everything.....

......except follow the advice of my medically trained professional.


Jesus H Christ! There really IS a pill or everything! Look at me! Hippity hopping along, singing at the top of my lungs to Stevie Wonder, pointing and laughing at fat kids. I'm outraged by the news and I'm making fun of people in the mall. I'm meeeee again!!! Hello, Gorgeous! You're looking morally superior and always right as usual!

Have you ever had an ingrown toenail and waited until it festered and became gangrenous before getting antibiotics? Me neither cause that's just fucking stoopid. So why the hell did I wait this long?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have about two years to make up!