Ah those heartbreaking pets.

I've been thinking a lot about Cecil these days.   Everything was kind of unravelling at the time of his death so I never really sat down and allowed myself to really process it.   So, it's been two months, my mind reset to normal and everything is exactly how it was and should be.

Except there is no Cecil...and that is making me pretty flipping sad.

For the most part I find animals, specifically pets, to be far better people than most humans.  I will never fully understand how folks can go through life without ever having any connection to an animal, however, I also realize that I am a giant suck when it comes to our four legged friends.

So, Cecil.   I'm not delusional.  I realize that he was a giant prick.  But I respected him.  We had a really great cohabitation going.  He was the one constant in my ever changing adult life and I am not certain I'll ever know a better feline.  This guy OWNED the world.

I often have a hard time letting go of things.  There is not one single shitty thing I have said and done that I don't revisit in my head and regret.   Where I can't forget I just try and forgive myself and be better next time.  While I KNOW that the choice to euthanize Cecil was the most humane and loving choice I am still, two months later, crippled with guilt.  I hate that I am still in a place where I can't allow myself to think about him.  It's still too hard and two months later I look at his picture at my desk and start crying.

My coworker asked me why I still had these pictures of Abbie and Cecil at my desk but no picture of Gary

 I didn't really have an answer.  I suppose it's because I go home to Gary every day.  I can't forget him.  Every morning I see him, every day we walk together.   Every night we cuddle and every day I tell him I love him.  Abbie and Cecil?  I just have the memories that frankly, I am not yet willing to let go of.  I find myself coming home and bracing myself to find garbage about the house, only to find a clean floor and no Abbie.  I literally still hear Cecil's meow in the distance and find myself looking to make sure there is water in his bowl, only to find no bowl.  Abbie and Cecil, while terrible in their own ways, were two little spirits who somehow managed to weasel their way into my heart, for better or for worse.  And even though my black cold shrivelled up heart still hurts for them, I'm not ready to forget how nice it was when Abbie groaned when you rubbed her ears or the look on her face when she was in trouble.  Or how Cecil always seemed to know the wrong time to come lay on my head.  

Two furry bastards who are gone forever.  That shit still hurts.