This upgrade brings so many advantages. Jobs are better, men are better, Christ, even CHEESE is better. I am practically Kim Kardashian, minus the looks, figure, personality, money and class. But totally just like her.
The area I haven't managed to bring this most coveted upgrade to is derby.
Fucking derby.
While I totally appreciate that I didn't join a knitters guild I honestly had no idea how goddamned hard it would be to give a hit. My sisters schooled me well in the area of senseless brutality so I'm actually ok taking the hits as they come. A few bruises here and there but no real problem. Giving a hit? HAHAHA!! First there is this whole idea of MAKING contact with my target and not just skating by them, missing by a good two feet. Second, there is this silly notion that after executing your amazing hit that you actually stay on your feet.
Falling is part of the game. I am not sure that even the most seasoned of vets can play a game without a single fall. Falling isn't the problem. It's doing it properly. You have about half a second to decide what fall you're going to execute and about 2 seconds to get yourself back up and skating before you are fuuuucked. I think a drunk monkey would be more confident on skates than I am so you can only imagine that the delicate knee tap falls are out of the question. This leaves suicide and baseball falls. Suicide falls I am surprisingly good at....during drills....where there is no risk of 10 other skaters rolling over my hands. Baseball slides? Well, let's just say that I have left the rink with countless wheel babies on my ass. I have almost developed an affection to them. I expect it. I prepare for it.
But nothing could have prepared me for...the dreaded anal skate rape.
This is where my upgrade from awesome to spectacular is questioned. A spectacular person ( I can only speculate at this point) hits clean and well and proceeds through the pace line, systematically knocking down their fellow freshmeats. A lowly awesome person hits, starts to lose their footing and foolishly opts for a baseball slide, only forgets the slide part, land on their skate......a wheel, penetrating their beloved cornhole.
The good news is that 15 hours later the bleeding has stopped. The bad news is that I was just brazillianized and I don't want my super conservative and old doctor thinking I'm a hussy so I can't seek medical attention. So it's just me, epsom salts and my frozen bag of peas. Given my penchant for the old "wait and see" and making bad situations worse I have a slight fear that this will ultimately result in a colostomy bag.
Derby is hurty. But sooo soooo good.
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